What's Gonna Happen Is Pretty Fuckin' Obvious, Study Finds
According to a recent study, it's pretty fuckin' obvious what's gonna happen, or at least what's totally off-the-shelf capable of happening technologically in the next 5 to 10 years, so why fucking even bother playing it out since, the study shows, when it's all done replicating behavior and cognition, there still won't be a fucking soul there.

Net Stocks Slide (Wheeeeeeeee!)
The net stock slide (wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!) continued today with net stocks sliding (wheeeeeee!) to new all time lows. Several stocks are now valued in totally imaginary numbers whose definitions are only recorded in hidden files in the root directories of old legacy 286's, stored in rundown shacks at the edge of town where a couplea times a week someone comes by and unlocks the door, and though he or she enters carrying something, he or she always leaves carrying nothing. Or vice versa.

CNN sued by people whose names weren't left onscreen long enough to be read
Claiming that their names weren't left onscreen long enough for anybody to read them and thereby know who the fuck they were when they appeared briefly on CNN to make some quick ignorant statement about something that didn't matter in the first place, a group calling itself the CNN 8 today sued CNN for not leaving their names onscreen long enough to be read when they appeared briefly on some irrelevant CNN "segment" to make some quick ignorant statement about something that didn't fucking matter in the first place, still doesn't matter, and never will matter no matter how many people whose names aren't left onscreen long enough appear on CNN to say something brief and ignorant in its defense.

Popular TV Political Talk Show Host May Change Name Of Popular TV Political Talk Show
Popular TV political talk show host, Chris Vacuum, may just change the name of his popular daily talk show "Airball" or "Hairball" to whichever name it isn't currently called currently, i.e. either "Hairball," if it's currently called "Air Ball," or, "Air Ball," if it's currently called "Hair Ball," because even though Vacuum's vacuum-packed talk comes out looking like a total Air Ball, it also, once you reverse engineer it, starts looking like a total Hairball.

The American People Do Not Want To Be Embarrassed Again
Apparently the American people do not want to be embarrassed again so they have silently removed from circulation all pictures of George W. Bush staggering around drunk and coked up and hitting on everything in sight and on every coat hanging on every coat rack in every room in every distant building lit up in the night where, through its window, he can't totally make out whether it's actually a human cause, if it's not, he'd have to totally retract the undying unconditional eternal love he was just about to give it.

There's not a huge demand out there for tax cuts
If you can just talk to people in stories, in real life, in anecdotes, then perhaps it can somehow mean something when you are sitting there drugged out, an inch away from the button on the door with the map inside to the place where a brief local discontinuity opens to the edge of the fabric of time where you easily move either into a level above this pathetic petri dish or at the very least to a different solar system where there are universal transducers so it doesn't really matter how outrageously stupid a universe you're from.

ENTERTAINMENT
Word "blowjob" no longer gets guaranteed laugh, "ass" too

POLITICS
Word "blowjob" no longer gets guaranteed blowjob, "ass" too

INTERNATIONAL
Given all those other countries and stuff out there, something probably happened in one of them

DRUGS
Yes. Please.

SPORTS
Tina Brown and George W. Bush have decided to be total sports about the picture of them taken en flagrante delicto or whatever