Thursday, August 7, 1997
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Laws of Physics Definitely Crumbling This Time

DeForest, WI - (Aug 7) - The so-called Laws of Physics, upon which things like toasters and vacuum cleaners are based, are apparently crumbling before our eyes, as we speak.

"For one thing," claimed Dr. Judy Ruliani, Chief of Surgery at Bongload Hospital, "All these plane crashes are clearly the result of the fact that 'flight' just doesn't work anymore, and we should stop kidding ourselves."

Ruliani went on to predict that motion itself would soon stop working, and she advised everyone to sell their cars and shoes now, while there's still a market for them.

"Anyway," Ruliani concluded, "Since perfection is just a matter of a few chemicals, a few electrodes, and a few push buttons, why fucking even bother?"

Bullshit Cloned

The Intercontinental Money Talks Corporation of Totalization, Texas announced today that it had succeeded in producing a pure clone of, you know, bullshit.

The bullshit, named Phenobarbital or something, will be used in place of chicken in such food staples as Chicken Pox Pie, and Chicken Popped Eye.

"The ability of Bullshit to, you know, WALK," said Intercontinental Chairman, Hank Thoms, "Makes it an ideal candidate for cloning, especially as opposed to cloning things like dumb boring old money, which, as everyone knows, only TALKS.

Don't Cry for Me, Cupertino

In keeping with its new, more bottom-line-oriented approach to doing business, Apple Computer Corp., today, announced it will sell its current headquarters in Cupertino, California, and move to more affordable and more appropriate offices, inside the dark cramped damaged Spektr module dangling off the Mir Space Station.

"Ultimately, we hope the company can become lean enough to live and work entirely out of the Mir docking tunnel," Apple CEO, Steve Ballmer stated. "But whatever happens, I'm certain that being in a state of permanent space walk, will help give our employees the kind of incentive and mindset they'll need, to come up with the exciting new visions and new ideas that'll keep us ahead of our main competitors, Kaypro and Osborne."

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