It's 3AM and there's too much noise The Washington Pissed
Monday, Aug 9, 1999

CNN Folds After Accidentally Seeing Several Reincarnations Of The World Into the Future
Bishop Chainsaw had just finished delivering a very compelling message to his, er, flock. It was a message of "fuck everything" ... through love. Then the Bishop introduced the President of CNN, Joe N. Enn.

"CNN," said the Bishop. "has been privileged, by some fluke, to be allowed to go several reincarnations of the world into the future."

After a pleasant anecdote about the neuro-chemistry of certain M&M flavors which had been irrationally discontinued but then brought back by popular demand, Enn informed the crowd that CNN would have to go off the air now, as a result of its entire staff and crew having seen several ends of and reincarnations of the world into the future.

"I'm sorry," he said, "but our staff and crew has seen and been several reincarnations of the world into the future and simply can't bring themselves anymore to deal with this flaky flaky shitty dumb dumb stupid Microsoft Dan Quayle version of reality anymore."

Though he admitted lacking the expertise to make such determination, he still claimed he was certain this flaky flaky shitty dumb dumb stupid Microsoft Dan Quayle version of reality we are all forced to live in by The Pig, is also well beyond being something a simple bug fix could salvage.

"The Pig has engineered this shit," he said, "and its filters which have self-organized, are louder and more proud of themselves than its soul. That is why we are made to endure all this shit for no reason whatsoever forever."

Inside his eyelid, flesh apparently rolled back and forth in slow waves across a closed eye, today.

Microsoft is Dan Quayle, Matt Drudge is the Monkees
One thing that the staff of CNN was able to convey to its ignorant audience of people stuck hundreds of reincarnations of the world in antiquity -- before the cognitive analog of the discovery of fire was discovered -- was how much harder it was to lie these days, and so, therefore, in a few years, if this trend continued, what would there be any more to keep the world going round?

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text  below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry  Diller gets it
YELTSIN APPEARS ON TV: Boris Yeltsin apparently appeared on TV today. "Hello," the Russian President told the CNN audience, "Look at me. I'm on CNN." Yeltsin made some other announcements about governmental purges, attempted coups, executions, and accidental nuclear missile launchings, but these were all just window dressing to the announcement that he was appearing on CNN even as he spoke. Yeltsin also stated that he hoped the tape of his announcement of being on CNN would be re-broadcast on Geraldo and Jerry Springer.

CEO says to humans, business is "none of your fucking business"

New microprocessors utilize world human dreamspace for on-board cache

The dirt, the sky, mud, the rain, abandoned cars, gunfire, a partially exploded pickup truck

Famous journalists, Woodstein and Borgward, honored by the Hollywood Walk of Fame getting their names wrong

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Help.  I'm being held prisoner in an animated GIF factory. 
But if you buy this guy's fucking book...

Copyright (c) 1999 by HC