Monday, August 11, 1997
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Lyin' Item Vito

Wash, DC - (Aug 11) - Apparently a new law has been passed which authorizes Vito Corleone to kick your fucking head in if he catches you lyin' about any of a number of specified items.

The following is a partial list of the items which, if you said them, you'd definitely be lying and so Vito'd have to come kick your fucking head in.

1. There's no such thing as a cool reptile.

2. Hyenas do not have a codified system of morality.

3. "Orgasm on the installment plan" may just be an idea whose time has, uh....

4. Replacing "The Killing Men Boy's Choir" with "America's Dumbest Multi-Billionaires" would most likely be a smart move for Fox.

5. Fan mail like: "She has been in a coma all her life and is a big fan of yours," is the only sincere form of flattery.

6. Stadium games where the fans are hidden behind massive one-way mirrors and the players only see their own reflections in the stands, should not be allowed to exist in any decent society.

7. Comments like, "Their hegemony was pretty much obfuscated by the goopy sentimentalists and goopy sanctimonialists among them," might become not inappropriate for daily editorial columnists to make, if left unchecked.

8. Everyone pretty much feels that, along with now working in a more cost-effective workplace environment, the IP packets, themselves, will be a definite value-add overlay.

9. PixieDust brand angel dust would do well to foster its Cause Without a Rebel image.

10. People who claim, "This Advil commercial is giving me a fucking headache," must be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

11. "Fuck Everybody and the Horse They Rode in On," should maybe be replaced as the National Anthem.

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