Wednesday, August 13, 1997
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JonBenet Autopsy Report II Opens Today

Denver, Bob - (Aug 13) - The exciting new sequel to the blockbuster "JonBenet Autopsy Report," "The JonBenet Autopsy Report II," was released, today to critical and commercial acclaim, by the JonBenet Autopsy Report Releasing Corporation of Metheadsa, Maryland.

Famous TV Autopsy Report critics JonBenet Siskel and JonBenet E-bert gave it two thumbs off, or whatever.

"The original JonBenet Autopsy Report," said E-bert by E-mail, "Intentionally left out key pieces of information so, obviously, they'd have something to use for a sequel. And this is definitely it!!!"

According to the "Report," JonBenet is, apparently, "definitely dead" after all, and the handwritten sentence "Mommy and Daddy did it," which appeared on her right inner thigh, was determined to be either a birthmark or rash, and the fact that actual words were clearly spelled out and placed in grammatically and syntactically correct relationship to one another in the flesh, was determined to be either just an amusing coincidence or a sick twist of nature.

The stock market almost instantly dropped 2000 points on the news that JonBenet really was dead after all.

According to a reliable Wall Street analyst, who chose to remain anonymous, pending notification of notification itself, "Essentially what's been fueling the bull market on Wall Street for the last 9 months, was the steadfast conviction by most brokers and analysts that JonBenet was not really dead at all -- and that once this was revealed to the people, everyone in the world would wanna send her tons of congratulatory and welcome home type e-mail, even if the whole thing had, in fact, been just a cruel and cynical publicity hoax in the end. But a lot of these people who wanted to suddenly send e-mail to the resurrected JonBenet, wouldn't have computers, and would, therefore, have to rush out and buy 300 MHz Pentium II's with 128 Megs of RAM and 128X CD-ROM Drives with Windows NT Servers and Octaphonic surround Speakers and 21" Monitors, and, as a result, the whole high tech industry would boom like, you know, a booming high-tech industry. Boom boom."

"Unfortunately, however, we must now all pay the consequences for our well-meaning but obviously misplaced optimism that capitalism could continue to, you know, capitalize on any fucking resurrection whatsoever."

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