It's 3AM and there's too much noise The Washington Pissed
Friday, Aug 13, 1999

Bush Drops Out,
Quayle Becomes President

Bush, who a bird in the hand is worth two in the, has decided to drop out of the presidency on account of his being just a fucking coke-freak frat-boy asshole and having just found out that even though George Stephanopolis legalized smoking dope in the White House, nobody bothered to legalize doing coke in the White House, so why would anybody even wanna bother ever being there in the first place?

So, with the dropping out of Bush, Dan Quayle will take over as President on account of he doesn't care about not being able to do coke in the White House.

"I don't give a fuck about not being able to do coke in the fucking White House," Quayle swore at reporters at his swearing in ceremony.

Apparently the reason he doesn't give a fuck about not being able to do coke in the fucking White House is because apparently he wants to be able to focus like a laser beam on saying "fuck" in public all the time so as to break down this final taboo in our civilization against Presidents saying "fuck" in public all the time.

Quayle, who is a fuckin' dumbass, said he will also start a new political party called the Dan Quayle Fuckin' Dumbass Party, which will sort of be like the Bull Moose Party but instead of blah blah blah, blah blah blah.

Anyway Quayle went on for a while and then threw a dart into a dart board at the other end of the room, to see whose total extermination he'd call for, tomorrow in his State of the Union Address.

L'Enfer May Just Be Les Autres, French Study Finds
Researchers at the Sorbonne Institute of Technology in France, which is apparently a country or something, have just completed a study whose preliminary findings reveal that the much vaunted les autres may in fact just simply be the pavement on the road to the much disparaged l'enfer. If you know what I mean.

"L'enfer," said SIT acting president Rebecca Sunnybrook, "may just be the resultat of, you know, les so-called autres. If you know what I mean. And wouldn't that be a bitch."

Quayle Resigns,
Presidency Vacant

Saying he was sick and tired of all this damn lameass shilly-shallying on the part of the Pentagon and the US military vis-a-vis his presidential commander-in-chief executive order to immediately exterminate all Jews, Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Indians, Homosexuals, Heterosexuals, Asexuals, Bi-Sexuals and Women, President Dan Quayle today resigned the presidency, leaving the job vacant for the first time, at least literally if not figuratively, in 210 years.

"Under these circumstances," constitutional scholar Hollis Mosher III told Congress, "total control of everything reverts, of course, immediately to Al Haig."

Haig immediately announced he would immediately legalize doing coke in the White House so maybe Bush would come back and we could immediately start all over again.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text  below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry  Diller gets it
Saying it was time to restore some sanity to the mental hospital business, businessman Hollis Mosher Jr. told reporters, uhhhhhh, you know, some stuff or something.

Hinkley released on condition he'll go shoot Clinton, Gore, Bush, Quayle

Gore drops out, but nobody knows of what

Elizabeth Dole not as big a fucking phony as she seems

All football players dislocate all bones in last night's exhibition games

Football rules re-written specifically for players with nothing but dislocated bones

Cancer causes laboratories in rats

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Another opportunity to help salvage my fragile ego by buying my fucking book.  Thank you.

Copyright (c) 1999 by HC