Friday, Aug 14, 1998
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Utter Fucking Exclusive!!!!
Most Fucked-Up Clinton Alive Tells All!!!

Wash, DC - (Aug 14) - President William Jefferson Clinton spent 15 hours, today, describing in the most minute and microscopic detail each of the many hundreds of thousands of filthy sordid acts of sexual perversity that he performed with White House intern, Monica Lewinsky, in the White House oval office and in the Lincoln bedroom and in the Lincoln bathroom and down in the dirt in the rose garden and out in the street on the cold hard pavement and in the White House pool and in the White House pool room and on the White House pool table, and on the White House roof, and in the White House attic, and in the White House basement, and out in Air Force 1 and in Air Force 2, and in the cockpit of Air Force 3, undergoing repairs, and in sordid basements and bathrooms and on grimy kitchen floors all over the greater DC area, Maryland, Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Delaware.

In an aside, Clinton also confessed to giving nuclear weapons and top secret super-computers to Libya and Iraq and China while having perverted sexual relations with Madonna in a Madison Square Garden mens' room stall.

He also confessed to killing Kennedy over Marilyn Monroe.

He also confessed to the Tate-La Bianca murders, and said he framed Charles Manson for the crime, as a way to get back at hippies, homosexuals, and northern liberal yankee trash.

He also confessed to accidentally killing Jon Benet Ramsay while using her in perverse sex acts with Princess Di and Elton John and Johnnie Versace in the Ramsay's basement in Colorado, during Christmas.

Clinton also confessed to illegally stealing over 10,000 top secret FBI files in order to collect millions of filthy stories about political enemies, for use in arousing already severely sexually jaded Hollywood celebrities, during perverse sex acts in Steven Spielberg's rec room, while on the phone to subordinates setting in motion the operation that would deny Paula Jones flowers on Mothers' Day.

Clinton then went on to tell every single perverse and filthy story from his infancy and childhood and young adulthood, and when he was finished telling about all the rapes and murders and drug abuse and lies and thefts and treasonous acts, he said, "I have now revealed absolutely everything it is possible to know about the life of another human being. I have told the absolute truth and gone to the slimiest, filthiest depths of every story. I have even covered, albeit briefly, the bio- and neuro-chemistries driving these many millions of perverse and filthy situations. And I will, therefore, from this day forward, never again discuss any of the testimony or information that I have revealed here today. Never, ever again -- under any circumstance -- even threat of death.

Clinton then got up and left the grand jury room.

Unfortunately, according to CNN or Newsweek, Clinton was so anxious to get his story out and tell the whole truth and get it off his chest and clear his conscience, that he showed up today, Friday, a little pre-maturely, if you know what I mean, but the grand jury and Ken Starr were so fucking lazy, and so into their own self-indulgent sexually perverted summer vacations and other sexually perverted pursuits, that they were all like, "hey, we'll show up on Monday when we fucking feel like it... that's soon enough for us.." and so they missed the whole fucking thing.

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