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Sunday, Aug 16, 1998
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Utter Fucking Exclusive!!!!
COMPLETE Transcript of Clinton's Grand Jury Testimony!!!!

Wash, DC - (Aug 16) - For the second time in less than a week, The Washington Pissed is the absolute first on the web or anywhere else with the complete, authentic, un-edited transcript of President Clinton's grand jury testimony.

By sneaking into the White House (easy to do, these days, since the Secret Service totally ignores anyone not directly involved in a blow job) and planting many tiny high-speed cameras running at several thousand times the speed of light, we were able to capture, in its entirety, on Sunday, the testimony that the President gave on Monday and that not even fucking Geraldo will have till Friday.

So here it is, verbatim, with not one word omitted or modified to appease the fucking slimeball Reverend Moon.

Ken Starr: Mr. Clinton, did you ever receive any blow jobs from Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office?

President Clinton: Well, Judge Starr, I honestly can't recollect, since, you see, I receive SO MANY blow jobs in the Oval Office every day, it's just impossible to remember all the names of all the people who gave them to me. And, often, I don't even look down under my desk to see who it is, so that I can keep right on working for the American people, without skipping, you know, a beat.

Ken Starr: Mr. Clinton, did you ask Monica Lewinsky to lie about giving you blow jobs before the grand jury?

Mr. Clinton: Well, Judge Starr, you see, I've never really had a blow job in front of a grand jury. But I've heard it's really really neat, and I hope to try it before my term in office is up.

Ken Starr: No, no, Mr. Clinton. You misunderstood the question. Did you ever instruct Monica Lewinsky to lie before a grand jury vis a vis her giving you one or more blow jobs in the so-called "Oval" Office?

Mr. Clinton: Well, Mr. Starr, I really can't remember, since I advise SO MANY people to lie before grand juries vis a vis their giving me one or more blow or other kindsa jobs, in the so-called "Oval" Office.

Mr. Starr: Mr. Clinton, ARE you a lesbian?

Clinton (a long pause followed by a deep sigh): Yes, Mr. Starr. I AM a lesbian. And that's why ... that's why I've had to lie to the American people all these months and years. See, if I'd told the American people that I was really a lesbian, then, because I am the President and a role model for the American people, suddenly EVERYBODY'd wanna be a lesbian too. And then, you know, it just wouldn't be any fun being a lesbian anymore. And then what am I supposed to do? Go back to trying to pretend to be a heterosexual again? I think we've already seen the kind of trouble that can get you into. So, NO thanks.

And, if I may, I just want to say a word, here, to my wife Hillary, who's probably listening in on the bugging device we have planted in this room. Hillary, I know you're a lesbian, and so I'm doubly sorry I never told you that I was a lesbian too. It would've been really cool. But if I'd told you, then we would've both been guilty of knowingly participating in a lesbian marriage, which, of course, NEVER would have been accepted by the shallow, narrow-minded, soulless, heartless, gutless, witless, fascistic, right-wing, wacko, Nazi, American people and their lying, hypocritical, disingenuous, sanctimonious, self-serving, slimeball so-called "elected" representatives.

And to the American people, who are probably also illegally listening in to this testimony on CNN, or something -- I'm sorry I lied to you, American people. I'm sorry. But I think we both know you really don't deserve much fucking better. Now do you?

Of course you don't! But even though you don't, I will still make this solemn promise to you, American people, and this time, ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NO BULLSHIT: I hereby solemnly promise the American people that, as long as I'm in office, I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER AGAIN ever let that woman, Monica Lewinsky, give me a blow job in the oval office, on a weekday, while the secret service is watching. No matter how much she begs and screams and pleads and no matter how horrible and disgusting the means by which she threatens to kill herself if I don't.

Ken Starr: Well, Mr. President, I thank you for your testimony, and it's plain that this grand jury won't be calling on you to eat any peaches, or even nectarines, at this ceremony. And I just want to say on behalf of all my right-wing scumbag masters and my right-wing scumbag butt-boys as well, that we all know you were born in poverty, and we all think your sudden, uhhhh, rise is a true Fellatio Alger story, you can all be proud of.


Copyright (c) 1998 by HC