Monday, August 18, 1997
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Don't Parse GO.
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Chula Vista, CA - (Aug 18) - Workers at UPS, the United Parser Service, continued their 10-or-so day old strike, today, apparently no closer to agreement with management than a week ago.

UPS parses about 80% of American sentences and, as a result of the strike, most utterances between people, and most written words, like these, have become utterly incomprehensible on the receiving end, regardless of level of comprehensibility or not, on the sending end.

For example:

1. Lock 'n Load Ice Cream Corp, inventor of the popular Lock 'n Load ice cream flavor, "the flavor with the aroma of spent ammo but no vomit aftertaste," launched a new ad campaign, today, claiming the true essence and goal of its products and corporate culture were simply to achieve "Total honesty within total fabrication."

2. Dying 80 and 90 year-olds everywhere, today, were heard to be speaking the exact same dying words, regardless of the actual words their lips seemed to be shaping. "So, like, when does it fucking stop being high school?" their dying breaths were all heard to utter.

3. Surgeon-General Hollis Mosher III, today, has apparently stated that, "The gene or hormone or whatever that makes you think you even have a fucking chance, has apparently, today, been arrested for ordering massive shitloads of phenobarbital and vodka -- drug of choice for when you think it's utterly, you know, fucking hopeless."

4. The War Against Drug Czars received a boost today, when a spokesman for the Partnership for a Drug-Addled America announced that all 5 broadcast TV networks and all cable channels had "Completely agreed to pool ALL their resources in order to return television to being just a few stations broadcasting just a few hours a day, in black and white, and showing mostly old kinescopes of 'Kukla, Fran and Ollie.'"

5. Garth Register Jr., of General ID Card Corp, claimed, today, that, "With irony being replaced by self-defecation as the dominant mode of human interaction, a serious crimp may have been placed in the rectal ID card industry."

According to Register, "Rectal ID cards work on the principle that recta are like snowflakes. No two are alike. But when people start using self-defecatory humor, all laws of nature are, of course, immediately called into question."

According to either Matt Drudge or CNN, the main reason for the UPS strike is that workers claim UPS is unwilling to get in line with the self-defecatory times and change its name to something hip, like UPArse.

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