Tuesday, August 19, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

I Found Your Talk So Inspirational, I Just Had To Steal Your Mercedes

Atlantis, GA - (Aug 19) - United Parser Service, UPS, the company that parses 80% of American sentences, settled its or their or whoever's strike, early this morning, so that American sentences can now go back to being properly parsed, and communication can now go back to being what it formerly was.

For example:

There's this pornographic story about Nietzsche that usually gets told during a talk or lecture. It comes right after a quote from somebody else, anybody else, which the speaker's just quoted to lend credence to some phrase he's just made up to refer to, say, a comprehensive but compressed description of the state of a single slice of the cosmos at any given femtosecond.

In this slice, for example, journalists might have just finished announcing the advent of "just-in-time honesty" -- so that now it was totally cool to, like, Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeee, you know, really Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeee, like a motherfucker, but, then, just at that precise moment when it really really you know reeeeeeeallllly counted most, you could just STOP LYING for just that femtosecond, and be TOTALLY HONEST -- and in so doing, enable the world to continue on to the next femtosecond.

The downside being, of course, that, if you didn't come through, just-in-time, the world, the cosmos really, would not make it to the next fucking femtosecond. And then, how would you feel?

Or, for example:

McDonna's announced, today, not just a new burger. Nooooooooooooo. But a whole new concept in burgers. "We are proud to announce today," said Chairman Reed Mosher III of McDonna's, "Not just a new burger. Nooooooooooooooooo. But a whole new concept in fucking burgers."

What he was talking about was of course the new McDonna's "Raw Flesh and Brain on a Shingle," concept meal. "What I am talking about," said Mosher, "Is, of course, our new McDonna's Raw Flesh and Brain on a Shingle concept meal."

"This new food," he continued, "Is an answer to television and an answer to culture itself. Eating it, for example, says to History, herself, 'Yeah, but what've you done for me lately, motherfucker.'

"And drinking our shake says, as it always has, 'Hey, could you please take your fucking species and your fucking parameters and, you know, just blow?'"

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