Wednesday, August 20, 1997
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McDonna's Dumps Contaminated Burgers

Windsor Locks, CT - (Aug 20) - McDonna's Hamburger Corp, of Natick, Mass., in a stunning announcement made earlier today at either the rim of the Grand Canyon or the foot of Mt. Rushmore, claims to have completely solved the E. coli contamination question, vis à vis, you know, their greasy, fat-laden burgers.

"The patrons of McDonna's," said McDonna's spokesperson Steve Fleischkopf, "Need no longer worry about whether there's E. coli or not in their food when they eat at one of our franchise locations. By utilizing recent major scientific and technologic breakthroughs -- regarding the inner voice and whether it knows what the fuck it's talking about or not, and whether Oprah's just bullshitting you or being a dickhead when she tells you to listen to it, or not -- we've been able to completely eliminate the very last trace of beef from all our burgers, and are now delivering to our customers just the pure, raging, unadulterated, unabridged, uncontaminated E. coli they want, while still, of course, maintaining the hamburger flavor and texture that people everywhere have come to live and love and build vast data warehouses to, and die for."

McDonna's was formed when fast food chain, McDonald's, merged with the estate of deceased pop star, Madonna, in order to boost sagging sales with the promise of a tiny little piece of the pop singer's dead flesh or DNA in every burger.

Cross-Platform Interoperability Increases Risk of Violent Death

A study published in the latest issue of the Journal of the American Med...

NBC Duped Again -- Runs Bogus Photoshopped Photos As Real

According to either CNN or strips of undissolved toilet paper dug out of Matt Drudge's septic tank, an exclusive report which aired last night on the NBC Nightly News....

E. Coli Got Bad Rap, Pres. Says

According to President Garth Register Jr., of The Coli Foundation of America, E. Coli has been given a bad rap because of all this hamburger contamination crap, and this bad rap is not only bad, but is also, like, sloshing over onto the other totally innocent forms of coli, like A. coli, B. coli, C. coli, D. coli and F. coli, to name just a few.

"Yes, I've had to cheat and steal," said Register, "And lie and be a slime bucket in order to get into this position of power, lust and authority. But I did it all just so I could help create a level playing field for all the people out there who are honest and good and play by the rules and, as a result, lead miserable, stupid lives of petty violence and sullen blowjobs interruptus."

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