Monday, August 25, 1997
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"Java is the Monkees!!"
Article Reveals

Real World: Boston - (Aug 25) - According to an apparent article in CNET, the E! Channel of the Net, "Java is like the Monkees."

According to the article, this was apparently stated by Microsoft Vice President Charles Simonyi in the June issue of the Gilder Technology Report, where he went on to state that, "Microsoft is the Beatles!!"

Industry response to these claims has, of course, been swift, and outraged systems everywhere have apparently been working overtime to try to correct this gross distortion of human culture.

The SAT's for example, have replaced all their old, "If Johnnie has 10 hits of acid and a trunkload of '9's..." type questions with:

1. If Oracle Systems is Devo, then Apple Computer is:

a. Superchunk
b. Dion and the Belmonts
c. Moby Grape
d. Christian Death
e. Frank Zappa

2. If Microsoft Word is Inna Gadda Da Vida, then Word Perfect is:

a. Stairway to Heaven
b. I Wanna Be Your Dog
c. Jump
d. Louie, Louie
e. Hungry Freaks, Daddy

3. If Sun Microsystems is Dr. Dre, then Kim Polese is:

a. Snoop Doggy Dog
b. The Jefferson Airplane
c. Puff Daddy
d. Barbara Streisand
e. Velocity Girl

type questions.

And Cisco Systems, makers of, I don't know, probably some kind of networking stuff, has merged with pseudo film critic Roger Ebert. The new company will be called Cisco and Ebert and will apparently host a weekly TV show and website where, apparently, the Cisco Kid (Duncan Reynaldo) and Roger Ebert, will just sit around selling each other high-end routers and gigabit ethernets.

Meanwhile, in Bosnia, war has broken out again between Serbs and Croats apparently because the Serbs claim that Microsoft is Puck of "The Real World: San Francisco," while the Croats claim that Java is Flora, of "The Real World: Miami."

And apparently, according to CNN, the brutality of the conflict has only been exacerbated by an apparent mis-translation made by a UN negotiator trying to mediate the dispute, who mistakenly told the Serbs that the Croats were claiming that Microsoft is Bachman-Turner Overdrive, while mistakenly telling the Croats that the Serbs were claiming that Java is Dicky Do and the Don'ts.

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