Tuesday, August 26, 1997
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Focus You[rself]!

Real World: Baja California - (Aug 26) - Working together with colleagues at San Diego's Commerce Hospital's Institute of Population Copulation and with researchers at Houston's Center for Ants Crawling Up Frozen Saliva to a Mouth Stuck Open from the Cold, Garth Register Jr, a professor of Molecular Earth Wind Fire and Water at the Mexican Film Industry Institute of Technology Focus Groups at Alo Palto, Alifornica, has developed what many consider to be an entirely unique fragrance, codenamed "Commerce!"

According to Dr. Register, "The characteristic fragrance is, of course, just a coverup for or marker for vast quantities of information -- about bank accounts, credit ratings, income, sexual and market proclivities, etc. -- stored in the basic molecule."

Apparently, the process is analogous to a poker game where, whenever it's anybody's turn to bet, all they ever say is "See your nothing, and raise you nothing."

"This new technology could open up vast new dimensions in human relations and enable people to be guided to and through each others' lives on the wings of simple robot interactor algorithms that only need to succumb to the gravity of net worth chemistry," Register told someone who wrote it down verbatim and communicated it to CNN, ESPN2, and the Nashville Network.

Register's discovery has already been implemented by online porno search engine, Alta Vixen, to guide users to filthy novels like "Pure and Utter," where non-sequitur characters exchange stories made up of distorted classical references instead of stories about brutal S & M, and the cover is always some variation on the theme of two spent shell casings lying beside a fatally wounded pigeon.

"In future cosmologies," said Dr. Register, "A toilet will come to represent 'the dream,' much as, in today's cosmology, a toilet sits in for the human heart."

Then he scribbled something on a wall and pointed to it. "See this genotype," he commanded, "Selection hates its motherfucking ass. And so does astrology. Here's its horoscope:

Sagittarius: The illegitimate half-sister you've never met will be released from prison this week and show up on your doorstep, looking for free room-and-board and a 6-figure "loan."

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