Wednesday, August 27, 1997
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Disco Bomber ID'd by OD'd

Rome, Italy - (Aug 27) -- Italian Police, today, arrested the world famous Libyan Disco Bomber after an 11-year manhunt that's been going on, now, for more than a decade.

The bomber, known as the Disco bomber because he used to hum old Bee Gee's tunes while lighting the fuse on some homemade explosive device tucked away in the corner of some slimy-but-upmarket disco bathroom, was first spotted by members of the Louisiana State Binge-Drinking Team during an intra-squad pre-season scrimmage being held, on coach's orders, in Rome.

According to the team captain, who was too fucked up to speak and communicated in grunts and belches by means of an interpreter, the Disco Bomber kinda' stood out, even through a dense fog of puke.

"He was wearing," the interpreter interpreted, "You know, a big ole wide-collar shirt, a big ole gold chain, a big ole white John Travolta leisure suit, and a big ole mirrored ball was spinning over his head, and he was singin' the falsetto part from Stayin' Alive, a cappella."

Sipping on an 8 oz. bottle of E.coli Juice to try to sober up, the captain seemed to be indicating through his interpreter that he had mixed feelings about turning in the bomber. "Don't discos, in fact, exist just to be bombed," the interpreter asked innocently, "You know, the way cigarettes exist just to be lit on fire and sucked to ash?"

In a related story, Sylvester Stallone, Michael Jackson, Lisa Marie Presley, Madonna, Baby Lourdes, Murphy Brown, Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, Michael Keaton, Dan Haggarty (Grizzly Adams) and JonBenet Ramsey, Lauren Holly, James Caan, Martha Stewart and JonBenet Ramsey.

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