It's 3AM and there's too much noise The Washington Pissed
Friday, Aug 27, 1999

New X-Ray Telescope Discovers Outer Space Is Just Cheesy Lucasfilm Effect!!
NASA's new X-ray space telescope thingy, named Chandra after apparently someone named Chandra who was also apparently named Chandra after someone named Chandra and so on, has already made a major discovery which could entirely reshape the scientific disciplines of astronomy, cosmology, astrophysics, and potsmoking.

"Chandra has sent back images from outer space," said NASA's Chandra project director, Joe Chandra, "which, pixel for pixel, exactly match shots taken from George Lucas' latest "film," Star Wars Blah Blah: Blah Blah Blah."

According to Chandra, this means that Lucasfilm Ltd must have already existed millions of years ago in another galaxy and the light from it is only now reaching us today.

"If this is true," said Chandra, "it would obviate the need to even "have" George Lucas, which would allow us to free up vast tracts of Northern California real estate, and to clear millions of useless Star Wars tapes out of homes and video stores worldwide, thereby making much more room for more copies of Weekend at Bernie's or Weekend at Bernie's II or both."

Ultimately scientists hope the new telescope will help answer the fundamental question of the universe -- is Lucasfilm just an inevitable product of the Big Bang? Or is the Big Bang just another meaningless product of Lucasfilm? Or both?

Internet Invented So Gene For Being Addicted To The Internet Wouldn't Be Wasted, Internet Inventor Reveals
Internet CEO and inventor, Joe Internet, admitted today that the only reason he even bothered inventing the fucking so-called "internet" in the first place was cause he was looking at the human genome one day and noticed how the gene for being addicted to the internet didn't seem to have anything to do, which seemed pretty stupid to have a whole gene go to waste like that, so he invented the so-called "internet" -- which today announced it was shutting its doors tomorrow, on account of everything really really sucking or something, and was immediately getting into the exciting new sport of Championship Bullshitting on either ESPN or ESPN2, or both.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text  below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry  Diller gets it
The Lucasfilm logo is apparent in this Chandra X-ray telescope image of the so-called Cassiopeia A supernova remnant. Though previous Gamma Ray photos had revealed a possible logo at the core of the supernova remnant, it was originally thought to be either a Disney or RJR Nabisco logo.

Bogus headline writers go on strike leaving millions of right columns, like this one, without lists of headlines designed to make you think there's actually something, you know, "happening" out there when, in reality, it's all just the aftershocks of people trying but failing to pinch each other so they know they aren't dreaming.

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Here's another opportunity to help my poor starving unemployed publisher.  Thank you.

Copyright (c) 1999 by HC