Sunday, Aug 30, 1998
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Internet Depression Sweeps Nation, Decimates Population

According to a study just concluded by researchers at Carnegie-Mellon University, the internet is turning its users into utterly miserable, depressed, bitter, angst-ridden, psychotic lumps of mucus who'd really much rather just die than fucking bother facing one more empty stupid worthless human day.

The results of the study, which cost $1.5 million dollars and had gofers running for coffee and pizza round the clock, were so utterly contrary to the forced expectations of its hi-tech big-bucks financiers, that researchers were left grasping at any random positive explanation they could find that'd fit even half a data point somewhere.

"Once they're on the internet," hypothesized Rebecca Kramer, a social or so-called psychology professor at Carnegie Mellon's Institute for Utterly Unassailable and Therefore Totally Beyond Reproach Research, "people suddenly have the ability to see well beyond their own little close-knit hometown circle of lies and pathos and deceit, to ever wider concentric circles of pathos and lies and deceit that cover the nation and the world and even expand out beyond the edge of the planet and the solar system and the galaxy and the universe and the cosmos and beyond that, ending, of course, at the primal unknowable lie, behind all being. And so, OF COURSE, the more depressed and bitter and miserable and saddened and resentful and psychotic and angst-ridden and nauseated and sickened and angry they're gonna be, yah fuckin' moron."

Another theory was simply that, since all the participants lived in Pittsburgh over the course of the two years of the study, that, in itself, was enough to make ANYBODY more miserable and bitter and depressed and psychotic and suicidal and nauseated and saddened and angst-ridden and sickened and angry and resentful.

Another theory was that the so-called "web" is just an utter fucking worthless piece of shit and an utter fucking waste of everybody's time. But that theory has been dropped since all cattle-rancher and former Grateful Dead lyricists polled were positive it definitely wasn't the reason.

And even now, according to reports from CNN, depressed and suicidal internet users who, therefore, have nothing to lose, are gathering in large numbers in remote staging areas all over the United States and Canada, prepared to march, en masse, on the headquarters of Intel, Microsoft, Netscape, Yahoo!, Lycos, Excite, and Infoseek demanding they be immediately shut down and start paying reparations for having rammed the internet down so many innocent, unsuspecting throats, and having so ravaged the population of man, that it'll no doubt take centuries and generations to even start to recover, and maybe never will -- leaving just a soulless race of cold flesh typing "Oprah hardcore naked, please" into HotBot.

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