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Monday, Aug 30, 1999

New Amazon "Circle Jerk" Feature Raises Privacy Concerns, Ire, Penises
In response to angry customer outcries over privacy violation, online e-tailer,, today, called its shift in business model from e-commerce to e-rection, "just good clean fun"...

Unknown Wins Nobel Piece Prize, But Unclear "Piece of What?"
A total unknown whose name we won't even bother telling you because he's totally unknown so you obviously wouldn't know who the fuck he is anyway, so what good would it do if we told you his name, has apparently just been awarded the coveted Nobel Piece Prize. Apparently, however, at press time, it was still undetermined as to just exactly "piece" of what?

Parody Officially Ends As Everything Is Apparently Already Parody Of Itself
The last thing that wasn't already a parody of itself, finally succumbed and became a parody of itself early this morning, ending any further possibility of parody itself. The name of the last thing that wasn't a parody of itself until this morning is being withheld pending notification of a parody of its next of kin.

Just Did It To Get On CNN, Mass Murderer Claims
The latest in a series of mass murderers claiming to have done it simply to get on CNN, has just increased the number of mass murderers who claim they just did it to get on CNN, by 1.

Just Did It To Get On NBC, CNN Claims
CNN today claimed they just let all those damn mass murderers on all their damn shows just so they'd get mentioned by Walter Kronkite or whoever that damn guy is on NBC.

Just Did It To Get In The New York Times, NBC Claims
NBC, today,...

Just Did It To Get On MTV, New York Times Claims
The so-called "New York" Times today...

Just Did It To Get Laid, MTV Claims
MTV ....

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text  below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry  Diller gets it
So-called "Wired-speak circa '96" was today declared the winner of the What's the Official Language of the United States Gonna Be Contest, with English 2nd, Pig Latin 3rd, and English as a 2nd Language 4th. -- Phrases like "Synaptic Shuffleboard," "Limbic Luge," and "Testicular Tennis," will now be de rigeur, as will phrases like "de rigeur"...

GM announces new "penis" car

Colt announces new "penis" gun

Bic announces new "penis" pen

Farmer John announces new "penis" dog

Microsoft unveils new "penis" operating system

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC