Tristan, the near-comatose black cat from next door, caught a lizard yesterday and ate some of it, as several sickened members of the Washington Pissed staff looked on in shock and dismay.

The cat, who normally just sits there, staring off into nothingness, scarfed down the lizard's tail section pretty quickly, but seemed more like somebody eating liver and Lima beans, when it came to actually eating the upper lower half of the reptile or amphibian, or whatever.

Meanwhile, the top half of the lizard, which had lain there curled up in a ball, had the presence of mind to uncurl and paddle itself at top speed to behind a flower pot while the cat was pre-occupied licking its ass or something.

Eventually the cat got bored trying to track down the hiding remains, and so now there's half a fucking lizard roaming around, leaking entrails all over the place out its lower end.

And the moral of the story is: HEY CATS! PLEASE FINISH EATING YOUR FUCKING LIZARDS!!!

Clinton, Yeltsin Assassinated

Clinton, who's like president or something, and Yeltsin, who's also like president or something, though possibly of another country, were both apparently assassinated today.

The bodies were flown to Cuba, where they will be propped up and used in some sort of international "My Weekend At Bernie's" kinda scam.