Sep 4, 1997 6:40 AM --

World detergent and food manufacturer, Proctoscope and Gamble Corporation, will, apparently, discontinue its latest promotional gimmick of including a free home rectal exam kit in every box of Cheerios.

Sep 4, 1997 7:38 AM --

Apparently Microsoft's intranet backbone has launched a killer app or killer cookie. This Visual JavaScript native ActiveX push browser generates live audio feeds which simulate readings from the classic sex study "Masters of [Their Own] Johnson."

The American Family Values Coalition For The American Family Way Of America, has released its comprehensive list of the cool family values, which includes, incest, infidelity, divorce, matricide, patricide, fratricide, infanticide, and, of course, simple physical and mental abuse.

Sep 4, 1997 8:39 AM --

The just released Journal of Kamikaze Trainee Small-Talk Studies indicates that, apparently, the English Royal Family, in order to show they're not totally out of touch, and are, in fact, totally "with it," albeit quietly so, will have Princess Di's Eulogy performed by either famous "talking guitar" pop-star, Peter Frampton, or famous rockers, John Lennon and Jimi Hendrix.

Sep 4, 1997 9:59 AM --

Vice President Al Gore has apparently just admitted, as if it weren't already apparent to everybody anyway, that he is really the reincarnation of Siddhartha Gotama, the Buddha, and therefore, everybody should just mind their own fucking business and just shut the fuck up as regards what he did or didn't do in his own motherfucking temple.