Friday, Sep 4, 1998
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Hotwired Re-Designs Website!!!

Hotwired, which is apparently a website, or something, has apparently re-designed its website, or something.

According to Hotwired's CEO, Tom Asspinchin, the purpose of the re-design is to make the website look different from the way it used to look.

"Our new re-designed website," Mr. Asspinchin stated, "now definitely looks different from the way it used to look."

Apparently, however, according to Asspinchin's therapist, Dr. Hollis Mosher III of Billerica, Mass., a subconscious and, therefore, more honest goal of the exciting new Hotwired re-design is to keep people so confused and pissed off, that they simply forget about trying to figure out just what the fuck Hotwired actually is or why it even fucking exists in the first place.

Almost immediately following the announcement of the exciting new Hotwired re-design, The Journal of New England Unions of Concerned Cattle Ranchers and Former Grateful Dead Lyricists came out and condemned it as an affront to effrontery itself -- thereby turning the whole affair into an emotion-drenched story that was immediately picked up and carried round the world by Hotwired.

And, in as far away as Ireland, the President of the United States, Garth Register Jr., took time out from his busy schedule of being impeached and chewed on by hyenas, to announce how proud he was of Hotwired's stellar and ground-breaking and breath-taking accomplishments.

"I think it's safe to say," said the President, "that most of the incredible growth in our economy over the past 5 years has come almost entirely from Hotwired re-designing its website. Re-designing its website, I might add, in order to meet the ever-changing needs of the American people, for the 21st century."

The President also announced that as soon as he got home from his foreign trip, he would actually spend the time to find out just what the fuck it was that Hotwired actually did. "But I'm sure whatever it is," he said, "it is very cool. VEERRRRRRRY cool."

International Child Pornography Ring Gets Smashed

An International ring of 4- and 5-year-old children selling Triple XXX rated HOT HOT HOT Lesbian Bondage Sex tapes to innocent 70- and 80-year-olds, was smashed wide open, today, as police, FBI, and ATF agents, raided bedrooms and pre-schools all over the world.

"The most insidious and vicious things these 4- and 5-year-olds were selling," said Chief O. Justice, of the World Police, "were films of adults performing perverse sex acts, under the direction of 6- and 7-year-old directors, and shot entirely on location by 8-year-old wunderkind cinematographers."

Dow Jones Introduces New Random Number Generator

The Dow Jones Corporation, the inventors of the so-called "Wall" Street Journal, "news" paper, today, announced a whole new line of random number generators, to replace their beat-up old line of supposedly "calculated number" generators, which are used to feed ostensible stock quotes and stock results to the stark, market-watching masses.

"The random number generators give a better approximation of human understanding of just what the fuck is really going on," a spokesman for the so-called "company" told reporters. "That's why, by the end of the year, we'll be using random number generators exclusively for all our results. Love it or leave it."

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