Monday, September 7, 1998
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Mercedes Unveils New Line

Auto-maker, Mercedes-Benz, in an effort to finally shake its historical image as the official automobile of Nazis and goon squad captains, has unveiled an entirely new line of cars that departs drastically from all previous human concepts of transportation and even being.

The flagship of the new line, the Mercedes-SFW, is touted as the car for the person who's sick and tired of this Stupid Fucking World.

"Wherever it goes," said chief designer Jurgen Register Jr., "it re-casts the nature of evolution for a 2 to 3 mile radius. Set your cruise control to 7, get out of your SFW, and, suddenly, you're in a world where so-called "natural" selection, doesn't make you be a slimy lying shitbag just to survive, anymore."

"Today," added U. of Heidelberg Professor of Automotive Meta-linguistics, Heinz Mosher III, "the totally unnatural laws of selection and evolution are far outstripped by possibilities and parameters available to the most basic levels of thought. And though these possibilities cannot yet be built into the world, they can, at least, be built into a car."

"But," the professor went on, his tone suddenly more somber, "just as man is afraid he'll be replaced by robots if they're given too much intelligence, natural selection is afraid it'll be replaced by some simpler generative principle, if one comes along that's even just a little less lame."

"And that's why we're unveiling at the same time as the SFW," Register interjected, "the new Mercedes-SXX. The automotive world calls it 'the Dick Car,' I guess, because the car is simply a dick. Start it up and it either drives at top speed into the nearest aperture of any kind at all -- or else it barrels, at top speed, off an Autobahn overpass into endless waves of 110 mph on-coming SUVs, screaming 'Wahooooooooooo!!'"

According to sources inside the company, there is also the still top-secret Mercedes-KVK. Turn it on, and it drives you all over the world at top speed till it finds and drives head-on, at top speed, into the exact wall with the exact color, texture, size, shape, chemical composition, and history, you specified in a set-up program you ran at the factory before leaving on this mythical quest to drive this grossly over-priced tin can into this fucking PERFECT wall.

And then there is, of course, the perennial Mercedes "Acid Car," -- about which, nothing more really need be said.

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1998 by HC