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Wednesday, Sept 8, 1999 !!!

Nasalcrom Buys CBS!!
Nasalcrom, maker of stuff you spray up your nose, today, announced it was buying the popular CBS Corporation, maker and purveyor of vapid Capitalist Bull Shit, for 80 billion dollars. Once completed, the deal would be the biggest deal in the history of the spray-it-up-your-nose industry, but not the biggest deal in the history of the Bull Shit industry.

"By combining CBS's expertise in generating tons and tons of vapid Capitalist Bull Shit," said Joe Nasalcrom, president and namesake of the company that bears his name, "with Nasalcrom's expertise in making you spray stuff up your nose, we will be able to provide a unique product whereby people can just spray Capitalist Bull Shit straight up their nose and not have to have it exist in the rest of the world anymore."

Getting Capitalist Bull Shit out of the rest of the world, according to Nasalcrom, would unfortunately force the rest of the world to confront what it really is, which is apparently why, according to Nasalcrom, the CIA and the FBI and the Mafia have been shooting electricity under his door lately.

Nasalcrom also announced that his MTV subsidiary would essentially be taking over the whole new merged company, especially the part about how music comes out every time you squeeze the little Nasalcrom spray thingie to get some more Nasalcrom up your nose.

MTV is, of course, the popular cable music video channel that makes you not have enough attention span to remember how fucked it all is.

Anyway, once the merger is complete, MTV has announced that it will maintain a hands-off approach to CBS -- mainly because MTV's zero-attention-span Gen-X executives have already forgotten about it and moved on to the next flavor-of-the-femtosecond.

Fortunately, however, before totally forgetting CBS and moving on to the next flavor-of-the-femtosecond, MTV's zero-attention-span Gen-X executives did announce that the popular CBS "documentary" series "60 Minutes" will now be called, "Like 20 Seconds, Yo" or something, and will consist of about a hundred 900-microsecond segments per show, separated from each other by 5-minute commercials showing hip teens spraying Nasalcrom Cola up their noses.

According to Nasal Spray and Music Video and Capitalist Bull Shit industry analysts, the two merged companies who, simply by the law of averages, produced mostly crap when they were separate, will now be much better situated to produce much much more crap, on account of now being able to make use of the famous Ponzi Scheme Economies of Scale Theorem, or something.

Flora, of The Real World, Miami, will take over day-to-day operations of the new company, and Puck, of The Real World, San Francisco, will make sure the vending machines don't run out of creamy Nasalcrom suppositories.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text  below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry  Diller gets it
Joe CBS and Joe Nasalcrom consummate the Nasalcrom CBS deal which will remove Capitalist Bull Shit from the world, freeing up the world to go figure out what it's really all about. Whoops!

ENTERTAINMENT auctioned off on eBay for $500

Concept of "auctioning off" itself auctioned off on eBay for $500

Internet auctioned off on eBay for $500 -- buyer shuts it down, ending eBay

eBay auctioned off on eBay for $500

$500 auctioned off on eBay for 3 roubles.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC