Tuesday, September 9, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

EOL Buys CrampuServe

Endoline, CA - (Sept 9) - EOL, The End of the Line Corporation, has purchased CrampuServe, the company that either serves you cramps, or cramps your serve. Whichever.

When asked why they, you know, even fucking bothered to buy CrampuServe, EOL replied, "Because, you know, they drink tequila, work on their own cars, install window glazing at home, and subscribe to call blocking. Also, they buy beer from convenience stores and eat at midscale restaurants. They obtain primary life insurance from Metropolitan Life and read automotive magazines. They order pay-per-view events, buy from home shopping channels and do not read utility newsletters.

"Also," the spokesman continued, "They have a window air-conditioning unit, listen to contemporary hits and all-news radio and watch Geraldo.

"Sometimes they get high and drink wine coolers, or drop acid and use laundromats, or donate to utility fuel funds, and when they are done, usually smoke a menthol cigarette or two. So why, like, shouldn't we buy CrampuServe. It's a perfect fit."

When asked why they even fucking, you know, bothered being bought by EOL, a spokesman for CrampuServe replied, "Because they, you know, buy video games, eat fast food, and subscribe to many calling features such as call waiting and automatic call return. Also they watch 6 TVs at once, live in a landscape made out of fuzz, and eat discarded food if it's 60% or more wrapped in plastic. They make their own beer out of potatoes and become maudlin and sing old depressive show tunes at half tempo when drunk.

"Also," the CrampuServe spokesman continued, "They recycle products, phone radio stations, contribute to PBS and use copy services. They purchase greeting cards, soft contact lenses, laptop PCs, Honda automobiles, sport/utility vehicles, and light beer-drenched home gyms. And then, for kicks, they reneg on their PBS contributions, make infomercial purchases, listen to album-oriented rock stations, and have overdraft protection. So like why the fuck shouldn't EOL buy us. It's a perfect fit."

Despite today's 2000 point stock market crash, shares of EOL rose 15 points on heavy trading, while shares of CrampuServe's parent company, CrampuServe's Parent Company, rose 195 points on just 2 trades, both by people who watch Murphy Brown and buy "big ticket" furniture items.

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