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Friday, Sept 10, 1999

MTV Wins Coveted MTV Award For Winning Most Consecutive Coveted MTV Awards!!!!!

NEW YORK -- Viacom's MTV Networks announced today that they'd heard a sound.

"Can't tell, though, whether it's the sound of a distant motor or the sound of nearby bees," a suit filed today by MTV in New York superior court contends.

According to the lawsuit filed against physics, the chief purveyor of sound, "Absent immediate judicial intervention, the last moment of civilization seriously risks being just a couplea losers on top of Everest and K2 debating, via cell phone, the merits of getting just sooooo fucking laid vs the merits of getting just so fucking laden down."

"Absent judicial intervention," the suit also contends, "remote-controlled bomber drones or killer bee hives may be about to be unleashed on MTV." But who's counting?

In another suit to be filed tomorrow in US District Court, MTV is suing all those people who only watch MTV so when it comes time to pay the rent or pay taxes or pay their fucking dues or go to work or school or a crucial meeting with important South American backers, all they have to say when they show up a couplea years too late is whooops, I must be watching too much MTV and have no attention span left whatsoever, so completely forgot this important meeting or job or rent check -- till, somehow, the MTV awards show last night, somehow made me suddenly remember everything.

So, anyway, MTV last night held its popular MTV awards show which gives awards to the groups who've best played ball with MTV despite MTV being allowed to be just as fucking ironic and snotty about them as it wants to be, so as not to alienate all those people who detest it.

At the MTV awards ceremony last night, the special Madonna award for the person who most should've been killed 20 years ago but now it's too late, went to Madonna, and the special Hip-Hop Music award went to the hit single "Hey, Hey It's Hip-Hop Music," recorded by the popular Hey Hey We're Singin' Hip-Hop Music Singers, hip-hop group.

The special Backstreet Boys award went to Ricky Martin for not being the Backstreet Boys, and the special Ricky Martin award went to the Backstreet Boys, for, apparently, in some far-off alternative universe, not being the Backstreet Boys either.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text  below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry  Diller gets it
Ricky Martin has signed a $20 million deal with Warner Bros. to star in its upcoming Blair Witch 2 project. The film, about a one-hit has-been pop star who tries to make a comeback high-budget experimental film by strapping on a couplea Imax cameras and staggering around the woods on peyote, co-stars actress Julia Roberts as actress Linda Blair who can't decide which project to do either.

Accidental cruise missile launch wipes out MTV offices, studios, weltanschauung

Accidental cruise missile launch blamed on cruise missile crew watching too much MTV

Gene for watching too much MTV found in all things, living and dead

Food additive may curb natural human need for too much MTV

Constitutional amendment guarantees MTV's right to exist, piece of shit or not

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC