Thursday, September 11, 1997
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Simulation Of Life

Paris, FR - (Sept 11) - According to either Walter Cronkite or Microsoft, peoples' voices have slightly shifted in time and are now out of synch with their lip movements.

This was apparently first noticed by a CNN or Matt Drudge or Newsweek correspondent at a play where autonomous robots were simply let loose on stage for 3 acts and if they didn't once, in the course of 3 hours of algorithmic randomness, turn on the audience and kill more than 50% of them, the play was declared a success, and immediately sent on to Broadway to subsequently become a major motion picture with a bestselling sound track album and a DVD version where, as an added bonus beyond just the show itself, an interviewer travels around town with the bot programmers who point out landmarks where they had the idea for a particular line of code, like, "Right there, on that stoop over there, -- Right there was where I was sitting when I had the idea for the line: '$i++;' that changed everything."

Though the bots are described by and their actions are the results of sets of traits taken from zip code-determined marketing data bases, uh,....

Citizens, however, have been advised not to worry about how their words are now out of synch with their lips, because, apparently, Crest Toothpaste Corporation, a division of Proctor and Gambol Detergent Company, has just released the world's first anti-depressant toothpaste.

"Crest with Prozac" will begin appearing on store shelves this week and will be the first in a whole line of breakthrough toothpastes which go well beyond just the fucking mouth, and will include such other breakthrough dentifrices as "Crest with Heroin," "Crest with Acid," "Crest with Ritalin for Kids," and "Crest with Coke and Aspirin and Banana Peels."

"Crest with Prozac," will be marketed by the Senate subcommittee on marketing anti-depressant toothpaste, a division of the Department of Interior and Archer Daniels Midland.

In a related story, a conspiracy of autonomous sub-microscopic bots from another planet has been discovered and is now being secretly countered by an army of sub-micro-bots developed by or for the CIA.

The alien bots are apparently responsible for the rash of people who are now coming forward claiming that the spirit of Princess Di moved into them when she, uh, died and, therefore, they should be the ones now taking care of Princes Harry and Tonto, or whoever.

But according to information either obtained from the dumpster of The New York Times or reconstructed from the raw shredder output of The Wall Street Journal, these people are apparently real and not created by alien microbots at all.

And the people who really are a product of alien microbots, are the ones now coming forward claiming that the spirits of both Henri Paul and Dodi al-Fayed, together, moved into them when they died and that they are responsible for everything and should therefore be on neverending trial for ruthless first degree murder.

According to deleted files [whose binary images linger on hard drives] at Wired News or Slate, these people are now being detained at the Aberdeen Proving Grounds, where these assertions will apparently be, you know, Proved.

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