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Monday, Sept 13, 1999

Majority Potheads and Alcoholics Party Picks Next US President, VP
EL SEGUNDO, CA -- (Sept 13) -- Over the weekend the Potheads and Alcoholics Party held their national convention at Joe_SixPack Auditorium in El Segundo.

Hollis Mosher III was picked to be the party's candidate for president and Mosher chose Rebecca Kramer to be the party's Vice-Presidential candidate. Kramer is founder and CEO of MIT and MTV. Mosher sells bodyparts on eBay.

"When I become president," Mosher told the cheering crowd of potheads who'd gotten shit-faced to show solidarity with their alcoholic brothers and sisters who were, likewise, stoned on their ass to show solidarity with their pothead brothers and sisters, "the first thing I'll do after taking the oath of office is to immediately start production on an all-singing, all-dancing, star-studded musical extravaganza called Fuck Entertainment!!! to show everybody, in an entertaining way, what a piece of shit entertainment really is.

Suddenly the crowd grew sullen as Mosher started absent-mindedly signing the stories of old acid flashbacks with his right hand while he continued speaking normally with his left.

"The show will open with a buncha small household animals puking up small clumps of undigested grass in time to the beat," Mosher told the crowd as he simultaneously made notes in his production book and was already multi-tasking the promotion budget in another part of him.

Vice-President Kramer told the crowd they could probably get Gwenyth Paltrow to play the role of the president of an Ivy League university that specializes in teaching people how to spell "Gwyneth Paltrow" so, after they graduate cum laude, if they're ever in a national celebrity-name spelling bee, they'll know what to do.

"Alcoholics and potheads of the world, UNITE," Mosher told the crowd, "will be the opening words of the manifesto of our party -- which I will go and write just as soon as I finish this speech -- and will also, of course, be subtly worked into the subtext of the musical, Fuck Entertainment!!!, which I and the cabinet are all constructing on the fly here, on the podium, even as I speak.

"Stone Cold Steve Austin will be in it," the Secretary of the Treasury told the crowd, "and Whoopi Goldberg."

"And N'sync, or whoever," said Vice-President Kramer.

"And the big finale show-stopper," said president Mosher, "will be all the famous celebrities of the world dancing around a little black plastic digital box the size of a paperback book, singing the show-stopper title song 'Fuck Entertainment!!' at it."

"The box will have a keypad and a touch-screen," said Kramer. "But it'll also be remotely controllable by a matching handheld keypad touchscreen. It'll play MP3 audio, MPEG-2 video, make wireless phone calls, shoot hi-res video and stills, control household appliances, download books, music, films, art, and video at high-speed, and will basically be a kind of online browser all-media-FTP time-shift on-demand random access to all human culturtainment kinda thing."

"The only true democracy, therefore," Mosher concluded to a standing cheering ovation, "is one where the people can produce an all-singing, all-dancing, star-studded musical extravaganza called Fuck Entertainment, and produce it right in Entertainment's face, and with entertainment's leading butt-boys and butt-girls on acid, telling all of entertainment's filthy stories, in the chorus line."

"When I take the oath of office," Mosher concluded one more time, having forgotten he'd already concluded once before, "it'll signal a fresh new dawn of a fresh new beginning of a fresh new era of a fresh new day. And, as everyone knows, a fresh new beginning means... a fresh new crack pipe and a fresh new set of works."

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text  below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry  Diller gets it
Republicans and Democrats can only watch through the bars over the skylight of Joe_SixPack Auditorium in El Segundo, as the majority Potheads and Alcoholics Party chooses what will most likely be the next President and Vice-President of the United States.

"Fuck Entertainment" movement growing in provinces

"Fuck Money" movement growing in provinces

"Fuck the Cosmos" movement growing in the provinces

"Fuck Saying Fuck" movement growing in provinces

"Fuck Movements" movement growing in provinces; "Fuck 'Fuck Movements' Movement rumored

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC