San Luis Obispo, CA -- (Sept 14) -- A new device, personally invented and developed by Microsoft founder Bill Gates, uses caller ID and remote sensors to synchronize congressional phone calls with receiver-side blowjobs, so that "NO participant in the communications chain ever need get all pissed off again about not receiving the proper level of respect."

"The device," said a Microsoft spokesperson who apparently had been hired just this morning, at a freeway onramp, "is so new, it doesn't even have a code name yet."

The spokesman went on to explain how the yet unnamed device first used caller ID to determine whether the person calling was a member of Congress or not.

"If it is a member of Congress calling," he stated, "then software running under the Windows CE operating system contacts a set of remote sensors attached to the user's, uh, you know, "sword of love," which indicates whether or not the user is currently receiving a, uhh, you know, so-called 'blowjob.'"

Apparently, if he currently is, then the call is connected immediately. However, if he currently, you know, isn't, then, apparently, the Microsoft so-called "Realtime" Audio player immediately plays the respective Congressperson a soothing message that says, "I'm very sorry, Mr. or Ms. Congressperson, but I cannot speak to you on the phone at the present moment, as I am currently NOT receiving a, you know, blowjob, and wouldn't wanna show you the extreme disrespect inherent in speaking to you on the phone while NOT getting, at least, you know, a blowjob. Please forgive me and please try again later when, I assure you, I will be doing everything in my power to put myself in a position to be able to take your call. If you know what I mean, Mister honorable representative of the people."

Einer, Kleiner, Miney & Mo, or some other bogus so-called "consulting" firm that has no fucking idea what the fuck it's talking about, predicted that the market for devices using caller ID and remote sensing technology to play apology recordings to congresspeople in the event that the call recipient is not concurrently receiving at least a blowjob, will reach $50 billion by the year 2001.

Clinton Rebuttal

Clinton, or somebody, issued his rebuttal or something, like, today, or whenever. Here it is:

Hey! Congress! It wasn't lit and it wasn't her ass, so, like, why fucking bother, yah buncha dumb sanctimonious, self-righteous shitbags.

US Takes Mexico; DEFINITELY No Plans For Canada

US ground forces swept through Mexico, early this morning, quickly taking control of the country and imprisoning the current Mexican president, what's his name, and his cabinet and the legislature, La Casa De Representivos, or whatever.

US President Clinton went on CSPAN following the totally unprovoked assault and announced that he had taken Mexico "as a gift for the American people -- to serve as a symbol of my complete repentance from, like, sin and stuff."

Clinton, however, absolutely swore up and down that he absolutely positively had no recollection whatsoever of any plans whatsoever, to invade Canada next week, and then, Russia across the Bering Strait, and then England and France and Spain and South America and Asia -- as part of his penance and redemption. No recollection whatsoever, your honor.