Tuesday, September 16, 1997
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Dying Drunk Predicted
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Paris, FR - (Sept 16) - Trevor Rees-Jones, you know, the Princess bodyguard who didn't quite live up to his job description yet did live to tell about it, held a paparazzi-only press conference, today, in which he blamed the crash of Di's or Dodi's or Dodi's daddy's Mercedes, on the same molecular-alien force which has apparently also been crashing stealth fighter-bombers, and C-150 transports up the wazoo.

Aside from that, he also said the following:

So, OK, so Henri Paul's driving and I'm in the passenger seat, and he's sayin' like, "Hey Rees, (he called me Rees), Whaddya think a 'Royale With Cheese' is called in America?" and I'm about to answer when he suddenly starts havin' -- not an acid flashback, but more like an acid flash-forward.

"Shit, man," he starts saying, "Sometimes I think culture's just a big focus group, without a focus. And politics is just the ad agency that goes out and lies about it when it's over, no matter what."

Then, as we got near the tunnel, he starts screaming, "Nature will END if we all don't buy her tee-shirt!! It's cool!! Believe me!! It's just black with white letters that say, N-A-T-U-R-E! It's only $19.95 and it's definitely a good cause!"

He starts to hit the brakes so we could all get out and use one of the call boxes to order some tee-shirts, but he caught himself at the last minute and we proceeded into the tunnel. I looked back at Princess Di and Dodi and they were laughing cause they thought he was just horsing around. That Henri. What a character.

Suddenly, at the first pillar he starts having Phen-Fen withdrawal symptoms. He pulls some broccoli sprouts out of the pocket of his jacket and stuffed them in his mouth as fast as he could to counteract the nausea. The car started swerving as he tilted his head back and we almost glanced off the 3rd pillar, but not quite.

"What zee fuck, Man," I couldn't keep myself from blurting out, in French. Then we almost hit the wall on the right. Henri went faster so I wouldn't try to get control.

"It's become clear to me," he started saying, "That all aspects of cognition have been evolving, EXCEPT emotion. The only thing that's hardwired in the whole fucking human control system is fucking emotions!" he was screaming and then he craned his neck all the way around to stare at Dodi and Di and let them know their asshole behavior wasn't doing anything to make things any better.

He sorta sped up as he twisted around and finally I hadda grab the wheel or we would've hit the 8th pillar for sure -- but as soon as I did, he caught it and turned and grabbed it back from me, and screamed don't you EVER do that again. He swerved the car right and left to emphasize the point and as the screeches grew louder from the cars behind us slamming on their brakes, we smashed head-on into the 13th pillar.

"You asshole, Henri," I sputtered over the sounds of groaning creaking metal and the echoes of shattered safety-glass, "What the fuck have you done?"

"It looks like we just may have to delay the release of Windows 98 after all, eh, Trevor," he said.

"Why is that?" Dodi groaned from the back seat.

"That is because the Nothing -- the absolute NOTHING that is happening in the market -- is happening way too fast," he said. "Way too fast."

Some steam from the remnants of the engine wafted by the remnants of the windshield.

"What is the equation that turns this useless steam into light?" Dodi asked, still not totally with it.

"Obviously," Henri said, "It's the same equation that milks value out of celebrity. Since celebrity has no intrinsic value, it can only accrue value like the hub of a space station, by attaching modules until there's an ecosystem that would fly apart and die if the hub/celeb weren't there. That's why they called her Princess Di, I guess."

And then he died.

The next thing I remember is calling this press conference.

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