Wednesday, September 16, 1998
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Righteous Moral Leader
Found Dead

Chevy Chase, MD -- (Sept 16) -- William J. Bennett, the official voice of honest, decent, righteous, moral American goodness, honesty, decency, righteousness and morality, and author of the book, "EVERYBODY Is A Filthy Slimy Scummy Immoral Piece Of Shit Except You And Me And Sometimes I'm Not So Sure About You" was found dead this morning, his hulking girth covered with the droppings and teeth marks of assorted barnyard animals including, but not limited to, horses, turkeys, goats, cows and pigs.

According to investigating officer, Lieutenant Garth Register Jr. of the Chevy Chase police, Bennett had been speaking at a special retreat he'd organized for Republican members of the House and Senate, when the incident which caused his death occurred.

"Apparently," said Lieutenant Register, "Bennett was teaching his flock of moral, righteous, decent and honest Republican House and Senate members, various advanced moral and righteous techniques for scarfing down huge racks of lamb and whole stuffed pigs and live chickens and cows, in one righteous gulp."

According to Lieutenant Register, one of the cows unexpectedly turned on Bennett as the righteous moral leader was about to scarf her down in a single gulp, and bit off the righteous moral leader's moral righteous right ear.

What followed, according to bystanders, was an apparently coordinated assault by an angry mob of embittered barnyard animals including, but not limited to, goats, turkeys, chickens, cows and pigs which was, however, much too gruesome and too immoral and too honest to be recounted in these pages which are, of course, dedicated to decency and morality and honesty and to protecting the purity and righteousness of our vicious, murdering, sanctimonious, scumbag children.

But a spokesman for the Union of Concerned Cows and Pigs told reporters that the incident was simply "a pure, honest act of retribution against a man who had, without conscience, and solely for his own personal 'advancement,' casually scarfed down, whole and live, thousands of their brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, and sons and daughters, while on his way to speak to cheering crowds about what pathetic worthless immoral scumbags they all were, and how they better all start being moral and righteous and good and honest and decent like William J. Bennett, if they didn't wanna get their pathetic asses impeached off like you-know-who."

A spokesman for Bennett's righteous-but-departed soul vigorously condemned the actions of the united barnyard animals as a conspiracy of left-wing commie wackos who were trying to create the false false false impression that the righteous moral honest decent kind Mr. Bennett was really some kind of gluttonous, hypocritical, slimy, scummy worthless piece of dogshit.

"Mr. Bennett," said the spokesman, clutching a free case of Amway products in his right hand, and a free case of Marlboro's in his left, "stands for all that is decent and good and honest and moral and righteous in the world, and he stands firmly against all that is slimy and scummy and motherfucking and cocksucking and shitty, and therefore is in no way whatsoever the big fat gluttonous slimy scummy hypocritical lying worthless sack of shit that those left wing commie wackos keep insisting he is. In fact, THEY are the self same slimy scummy big fat hypocritical lying worthless sacks of shit they accuse him of being. Or, having been. So nyaaaaaah nyaaaaah, nyaaaah, yah buncha commie hippie drug fiends."

Greenspan, Rubin Testify Before House Committee

Treasury Secretary, Robert Rubin and Fed Chairman, Allan Greenspan testified, today, before the House Banking Committee chaired by Representative Jim Leach of Iowa.

"Corporate capitalism is a soulless, sickening piece of shit," Greenspan told the Committee, and then open fired on the assembled capitalist shitbags and shitbag congressmen, killing everyone except Secretary Rubin who gleefully cheered him on.

Stocks rose sharply, in response, and the so-called "Dow" finished the day up 5,000 points, on the news that, tomorrow, the two men would be "addressing" the honest, righteous, moral House Judiciary Committee.

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