Friday, September 19, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Hey, Ted Turner Has Money

NY, NY - (Sept 19) - According to a BREAKING NEWS story on the "all-news" network CNN, Ted Turner, owner of CNN, has money ($$$$).

"I have more money than you do," Turner announced at some convocation of stuffed cigar-smoking penguins where he'd just been given an award for having money.

"And to prove it," Turner continued, "I'm gonna' piss a billion dollars of it into the wind, a dollar at a time."

In a speech that barely passed the Turing test, Turner announced that since he had much more than 3 billion dollars, he wouldn't even notice this crappy old billion he was gonna piss away.

"I want to piss this money away," said Turner, "In such a way such that lots of overstuffed penguins like yourselves can use it to have lots of overstuffed meetings like this one, in far-off overstuffed exotic places with tons of exotic hand-crafted food, in order to discuss how we really oughta have a meeting sometime to discuss how we really oughta feed the poor starving masses of the world, someday -- maybe after dessert."

Train Crash Echoes Alien "Motion is OVER, get it?" Mantra

Despite repeated alien broadcasts from distant solar systems of the future, as monitored by either CNN or CNN, MOTION IS STILL OVER, and therefore all planes and trains and Princess Mercedes have no choice BUT to crash.

"It's time for everyone to just STOP endlessly moving around," the message was said to have said, "Before people start dying by the millions, just from bumping into each other in narrow hallways."

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