Monday, September 22, 1997
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Clinton, Gore Resign
To Squash Impeachment

Wash, DC - (Sept 22) - Bill Clinton, the President, and Al Gore, the Vice President, resigned, today, so they wouldn't get all impeached or something. Jesse Helms will take over as President and Strom Thurman will be Vice President.

Baby Lourdes Resigned to Squashed Peaches

Lourdes Maria Ciccone What's-His-Name, daughter of pop singer, actress, author, poet, Madonna Ciccone, and What's-His-Name, some workout coach or something, today announced that she's utterly sick of Gerber Strained Sushi and sick of Gerber Strained Chicken Parts, and has decided, at least for the foreseeable future, that she'll just have to settle for eating Gerber Strained Peaches, even though she doesn't think they're all that hot either.

Lourdes, who will apparently be going into the studio soon to record her 2nd CD, "Nympho Infant" with Puffy "Puff Daddy" Combs or whoever, has already started interviewing directors for the video, even though she's still busy putting finishing touches on her new book, "Nympho Infant," which is already in it's 9th printing prior to publication, and will enter this week's New York Times BestSellers list at number one with a bullet, though it won't be available in stores till late next month.

And, this week, Lourdes will begin hosting her new primetime TV talk show, "The Nympho Infant Show," on ABC, Monday thru Friday from 8-11 PM.

Lourdes is also hard at work adapting her novel, "Nympho Infant" for a Christmas film to be directed by either Oliver Stone or Quentin Tarantino, and star Madonna, George Clooney, Sylvester Stallone, Matthew Mcghonaheee or whoever, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Robert Redford, Clint Eastwood, Julia Roberts, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Marlon Brando, Meryl Streep, Whoopi Goldberg, Will Smith, Demi Moore, Sandra Bullock, and featuring Barbara Streisand as Lourdes the foetus.

According to sources at CNN, Lourdes apparently had a bad case of diaper rash last week, but her quick thinking nannies, Zoe Baird and Kimba Woods, dialed 411, and, moments later, paramedics arrived at the door with a couplea truckloads of Gold Bond medicated powder, and a couplea gallons of licorice-flavored kiddie heroin.

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