Wednesday, September 24, 1997
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Robot Toyotas Target Celebs

Paris, FR - (Sept 24) - Pop-star singer-asshole, Madonna, and pop-star actress wife-of-an-asshole, Demi Moore, have apparently uncovered a global conspiracy aimed at, you know, pop-star singer-assholes and pop-star actresses and other assorted genres of celeb.

"This vast ring of vicious international conspirators," said Madonna, at a press conference held this morning next to the 14th pillar of the Paris tunnel where Princess Di died, "Has apparently hired disgruntled former Soviet Union programmers to design intelligent, driverless, robot cars, capable of cruising around in traffic all day, till they spot a big limo or other telltale celebrity marker."

"They utilize complex top-down heuristics in conjunction with state of the art neural net technology," added Ms. Moore, "So they can recognize celebs really accurately. And once they have a match, the Toyotas' only goal is to ram the fucking celeb-mobile to powder."

Apparently the Toyotas also carry a personalized message for each celeb in their data base.

As was apparent last night, when a robot Toyota repeatedly slamming into Director Steven Spielberg's Lincoln limo as he was on his way to the premier of his company's new film, "The Peacemaker," kept repeating, robo-voice, "Yeah, but Piece of WHAT???"

According to Madonna, a robot Toyota was also responsible for smashing into Princess Di's Mercedes a couplea weeks ago, resulting in the Elton John smash hit single "Golden Showers in the Wind."

Senate Passes Campaign Finance Reform

The Senate passed legislation today which would make illegal campaign contributions really really really illegal.

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