Yet Another Typically Stupid Internet Company Name Eliminated!!
Yet another typically stupid internet company name was eliminated, today, as Earthlink and Mindspring completed their deal to merge and get rid of at least one of their typically stupid internet company names.
"The focus of our new leaner meaner merged internet company will be focussed like a laser beam on deciding just exactly which of our two typically stupid internet company names to eliminate and which of our two typically stupid internet company names to keep as the ongoing typically stupid internet company name for our yet another typically stupid internet company," said Earthlink CEO, Joe Earthlink.
It is expected that the end of civilization will eventually get rid of whichever typically stupid internet company name they wind up with, and that, as a result, mankind will see an immediate and noticeable net gain, along which parameter, however, nobody is willing to predict.
DaimlerChrysler Shakes Up Board
DaimlerChrysler, the world's 5th largest auto maker, today, took the Ouija board it uses to tell it what the fuck to do, and shook it up, real hard.
"By shaking up our Ouija board real hard," DaimlerChrysler president Joe DaimlerChrysler told reporters, "we are hoping that little wooden thing will start moving around again, and point to some letters that will spell out some words that will tell us what the fuck to do with all our damn plants, equipment, manpower, management structure, and distribution channels."
"Competition" Strictly For Losers, Study Finds
In a recent study done by the MIT Dept of Electrical Engineering and reported in this month's Journal of the American Medicine Cabinet Association, 1000 white males competing in a 500 meter foot race were carefully observed as they crossed the finish line. According to all objective measures, 999 of them, or 99.9%, were found to be utter fucking unequivocal losers.
Microsoft Intentionally a Piece of Shit, Ballmer Reveals
Microsoft founder and CEO, Steve Ballmer, today boasted that Microsoft's being an utter fucking piece of shit was totally intentional and that Microsoft only did it in order to "save the world."
"We could have produced really good software -- if we'd wanted to," said Ballmer, who wrestled under the name "King Kong" Bundy, before founding Microsoft, "or we could have at least produced really adequate software. But we'd been informed very early on, by Woodward and Bernstein or Spielberg or somebody, that outer space aliens were watching our planet and getting ready to take over.
"These aliens were just waiting for us to complete our information infrastructure because, apparently, they were just too lazy to take over a planet if they had to go to all the trouble of creating their own damn information infrastructure from scratch.
"We knew, therefore, by induction or deduction, I forget which, that the only way to stop them was to make our information infrastructure so damn lame, so damn shitty, that they'd not only turn their flying saucers around (get it!) and leave in disgust, but they'd also tell all the other outer space aliens out there lookin' for an angry fix, not to waste their time with Planet Earth cause it's got such damn shitty software, NO ONE can live there.
"So you see, all you jealous, envious, losers out there calling Microsoft a worthless piece of shit, that Microsoft isn't just a piece of shit by accident. Nooooooooooooo. Microsoft has sacrificed itself on the altair (get it!) of being a piece of shit, in order to SAVE THE WORLD. And if you look around, you'll notice that, in fact, outer space aliens have NOT taken over our planet -- and therefore we've obviously done a damn good job of being the damn best utter fucking piece of shit that ever was."
Shares of Microsoft stock immediately plummeted to zero and beyond, making Ballmer, who'd sold off all his stock yesterday, the richest man alive, while impoverishing virtually everyone else. Ballmer's high school "buddy," Bill Gates, became the largest debtor in the history of the world when his 4 billion shares of Microsoft stock became worth minus $100 dollars each.
Watching "too much Animal Planet," has been blamed for a recent rash of deadly biting incidents in elementary and middle school playgrounds all across America. The US Congress has responded by proposing legislation that would ban all TV shows depicting lion cubs being torn to shit and eaten alive by packs of wild hyenas.