NY, NY - (Sept 25) - According to CNN, "Life," the Magazine, not the cereal or the state which is supposedly the opposite of Death but anyone who's ever been in both knows it isn't, next week, will publish a special issue dedicated to what a buncha fuckin' losers think are the top 100 events of the past Millennium.

Why a buncha fuckin losers should be picking the top 100 or 50 or 10 of anything is apparently beyond the resources of the nation's 2 most powerhouse investigative journalism resources teams, Time and CNN, to investigate.

Not to mention how, you know, it seems like all the top 100 events of the past millennium all seem to have taken place in like just the last 3 or 4 weeks or so.

But, whatever, here are, then, anyway, according to Life Magazine, or CNN, or somebody, some of the 100 most important events of the past Millennium as determined by a bunch of utter fucking losers who spent months and months and months in a room together, drinking designer coffee and eating endangered-species-flavored pizza, joking and bullshitting and getting FUCKING PAYED FOR IT!!!, and finally, in the last week or so, threw something together to pass off as the authoritative list of which the following is just a sampling:

THE MOST IMFUCKINGPORTANT EVENTS OF THE MILLENNIUM FROM 1000-1999

1. Invention of Manic Depression
5. Discovery of helium as a way to make yourself sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks
9. Discovery of drunk driving
14. Invention of drunk email
15. The first freeway
17. The first Chinese firedrill
26. The first Chinese firedrill on a freeway
35. Paul McCartney forms Wings
41. Discovery of the Freudian slip
49. Elton John makes Freudian slip: calls Princess Di, "England's Golden Shower."
61. Paul McCartney writes "Band on the Run."
62. Oliver Stone buys screen rights for Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida: the Movie
64. Invention of dynamite
71. Use of "dynamite" as an adjective
81. Misuse of "parameter" by moron pols and flaks to mean something more like "perimeter."