Friday, September 25, 1998
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New Aircraft Obsoletes Reality

Wallops Island, VA -- (Sept 25) -- A new aircraft, when deployed in appropriate number and at precise geographic coordinates (as determined by secret bible codes hidden in the top 10 holiest ancient #1 best-selling religious texts of all time), and flown by possessors of just the right relative agglomerations of genetic material, is apparently, according to CNN, capable of unscrewing the structure of the world in a split second, like it was nothing more than a 10-inch twist-off cap on a long-neck bottle of sugar and discharge-flavored water.

"In the next several years," said Jane's Magazine contributing editor Rebecca Kramer, "you will see truckloads of these planes being deployed all around you, and yet nothing will change -- until suddenly, one day -- Poof! -- and the whole fucking structure of the world will have suddenly been unscrewed. At that point, all this fucking interpretation of reality everybody's learned, will no longer hold. So, like, then where's the species gonna' be?"

Kramer guided us through her laboratory where, only last month, the null soul had been crossed with the null heart, with the result being left as an exercise for the reader to name, and the reader's tapeworm to tease out the semantic network structure of.

"Here," said Kramer stopping and pointing at a spot on the torn-open brain of an undergrad test subject in her lab, "is the source of all confidence and all despair and everything in between. In short, here is the center of all delusion."

According to Kramer, once this center was removed or disabled by certain drugs ... uh, but then she left the results of this removal or disabling as an exercise to be performed by the reader at home, but not without the express written consent of the Brooklyn Dodgers.

"You see," she said, pointing again at the same spot on the torn-open skull, "the inter-communication of these brain centers across the entire population allows the sum total of human consciousness to act, like mediocrity itself, solely as ballast, to more or less balance out the demands of, you know, the fuckin' entropy thing."

She showed our camera crew, whose amphetamines and serotonin re-uptake inhibitors were just starting to wear out, into a small locked room at the far end of the laboratory, where outmoded test equipment was stored for occasional use in being smashed to pieces out of frustration and despair.

"This is the ugly stupid boring reality room," she said, once all the crew and talent and video equipment were compressed inside it.

"In its hey day, reams of people were constantly lined up around the block, anxiously waiting their turn to ask the woman at its front desk, where do I sign up, please."

But, according to Kramer, the name and location of the room people are now anxiously lined up around the block waiting to ask the woman behind its front desk, where do I sign up please, is, apparently, according to CNN, left as an exercise for the viewer at home to beat out of an ex-family member or ex-loved one.

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