Thursday, September 26, 1996
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Dole, Clinton To Debate Fully Erect

Washington, D.C. (Sept 26) -- Negotiating teams for both presidential candidates in an 11-th hour meeting today agreed in principal to a significant modification of the format for the Presidential debate to be held in Hartford, Connecticut on October 6.

Specifically, the 2 men, rather than being seated for the entire debate, will both be fully erect for, at least, the first hour.

As part of the agreement, veteran cameraman John Ashberry has been hired to shoot the event. Ashberry first came to prominence while working on the 1956 Ed Sullivan telecast that featured Elvis Presley. It was Ashberry who dutifully kept his camera aimed above Elvis' (then still human) waistline, so Americans were spared the repugnant image of his "gyrating pelvis."

Ashberry, in an interview immediately following his selection for the plum '96 debate gig, said he was already busy practising for the shoot, using crash test dummies and inflatable sex dolls as stand-ins for the 2 candidates.

Mickey Kanter, chief negotiator for the Clinton team, explained further details of the format. "At any point, and regardless of the topic currently being discussed, either man will be free to make utterly gratuitous and obscene comments about the state of the other's, uhhhh, member. Since the home audience will be unable to see either erection (even on a big screen TV) it will essentially be a matter of trust and common sense, as to whose comments are more credible. We, uhhhh, firmly believe that this approach will go a long way towards resolving the "character issue" once and for all."

According to Kanter, when it comes to comments about erections, metaphors and similies will be completely off limits, and if one candidate compares the other's erection to, say, his poll numbers, the debate will be immediately stopped, and all future debates cancelled.

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