Friday, September 26, 1997
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Albert Pleads Guilty to
Lurid Sex Crimes

Arlington, VA - (Sept 26) - Marv Albert, who's apparently some sportscaster guy with a toupee, and not the lead trumpet for and founder of the Tijuana Brass, pleaded guilty, yesterday, in Virginia Federal Court, to charges of stealing and apparently wearing and then eating newscaster Peter Jenning's panties.

Albert had been charged with stealing and eating Peter Jenning's garter belt, which is a felony punishable by life imprisonment, but in a plea bargain agreement, copped to the lesser charge of stealing and eating Peter Jenning's panties, which is a misdemeanor, punishable by no more than 1 year in prison.

Following the plea, both Tom Brokaw and Dan Rathers admitted that some of their panties were missing too and probably had been stolen and possibly worn and then eaten by Albert.

Barbara Walters also revealed that apparently somebody, probably Albert, had been nibbling on her jockstrap.

Walter Cronkite, however, refused to respond to reporters questions regarding the alleged disappearance of his, you know, favorite strap-on.

Following the plea or the bargain or both, Albert resigned from his job at the MSG Network, claiming that "Eating too much of it makes you sick anyway, so why NOT fucking resign."

Shuttle-Mir collision will go on air live

The spectacular Atlantis-Mir Collision this Saturday will attempt to follow the lead of last night's live broadcast of the season premier of NBC's primetime drama, ER.

The Shuttle-space station disaster, which is scheduled to occur just in time to pick up the public entertainment slack left by the fading Marv Albert trial, won't be pre-taped on a Hollywood lot as are most space events, like the moon landing and, more recently, the Mars rover thing.

Instead, the whole gory show will be happening live on a Hollywood lot, as you watch it. Including the complex special effects, which apparently will be done in utter absolute real-time and require the entire networked supercomputing power of the globe, thereby shutting down most other tasks on the planet, for the 3-day duration of the disaster and its aftermath.

Then, next Wednesday, to pick up the public entertainment slack from the fading Mir-Atlantis disaster, Elton John will release an instant-platinum hit single commemorating the event, based on a rehash of a previous hit, and titled something like Benny and the Aft Thrusters, or Benny and the Crippled Escape Modules.

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