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Monday, Sept 27, 1999

Exploding Bullshit Detector Sprays Coritcal Fragments On Dance
CAMBRIDGE, MASS -- (Sep 27) Cambridge police found a man's body the hard way, tonight: by tracing his skull fragments dropped on a dance troupe below, back to the catwalk where the bullshit detector in his brain exploded.

The man, who'd been arrested in the winter of 1996 for jumping across a line of parked car tops on a dimly lit Cambridge side street while drunk, and his clothes were immediately auctioned off on eBay, but the medical examiner retained possession of the contents of his pockets for possible use in mid-season replacement sit-coms and game shows, and for possible bogus pro-wrestling story lines.

The cause of the bullshit detector explosion is being blamed on either Microsoft's piece of shit software, or everything else, or both.

Bush Promises Better Drugs
President, George W Bush said if he's elected president, despite already being president anyway, there'll be lots better drugs. Lots better.

Gore Promises Better Drugs Than Bush Promises
Presidential candidate vice-president Gore said today that if he's elected president, even though he's already lost, he would provide much better drugs than Bush. Much much better.

Buchanan Promises Better Drugs Than Bush and Gore Put Together
Reform Party Presidential nominee Patrick J Buchanan said if he was elected to the presidency of the United States, he'd immediately provide everybody with all the free drugs they wanted over the internet, and he'd use the bully pulpit to browbeat the drug industry into producing the best and strongest drugs they've ever produced.

"Everybody should be stoned on their ass all the time, and they should have all the guns and abortions they want," Buchanan told a screaming crowd of reform party members.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text  below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry  Diller gets it
A study published this week in the Journal of the American Medical Examiner Association finds that by the year 2005, the total number of people directly involved in the production of broadcast and cable TV shows will actually exceed the total number of people actually watching. No implication was drawn from this by the article whose author was found dead, this evening, on a catwalk above where the popular Brazilian dance troupe Los Narcotrafficantes, or whoever, performed below.

McCain enters race; promises better drugs than Buchanan

Neighborhood cats sue over being excessively sampled on Backstreet Boys hit

Quayle dropping campaign to spend more time with family dropping acid

Subject Verb Object; Verb Object Drug [, or whatever].

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC