Monday, September 29, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

If It Works, This Must Be a Dream

Hollywood, CA - (Sept 29) - In the biggest fall weekend box office since the painful accidental creation of the cosmos in 1066 B.C., the action film, "The Peacemaker" came out at number 1, with gross receipts of 12.5 million dollars.

The film, which stars "ER" star George Clooney and Nicole Kidman, is the maiden effort from entertainment mega-star wunderkind Steven Spielberg, David Geffen and Jeffrey Katzenstein's or Katzenberg's new company, Dreamworks SKG. SKG is, of course, the sound made by large sums of money as they float aimlessly down diamond-studded black holes.

In "The Peacemaker," Clooney plays Rodney King, an average guy who, in between drunk driving arrests and random violent encounters with police, just wants to make peace, and have everybody just get along.

Unfortunately, someone has kidnapped the man who invented the near-death experience, and now everybody who dies has to go wait in Limbo instead of going straight to hell, which is what the so-called near-death experience was supposed to prepare everybody for.

So, suddenly no one can live in peace anymore and that gets George Clooney all riled up and he puts on his The Peacemaker costume, and goes out to make a little peace, if you know what I mean.

Along the way he meets, and wants to fuck, Nicole Kidman but she says, hey wait a minute I'm married to Tom Cruise, but Clooney says, hey Cruise has peaked and is already on the downward skids and will probably wind up playing 2nd banana to the even worse skidding Steven Seagal in the even worse skidding "The Story of Suck: The Movie," by the fall of 1999. Meanwhile, my career is getting bigger everyday. If you know what I mean."

But even though Kidman thinks Clooney is up his ass about his career, and any metaphorical ramifications therefrom, she still agrees to help him steal or find a buncha nuclear bombs so they can go rescue the guy who invented the near-death experience.

The story is so fast-paced that it only takes them till 10 minutes into the film to find and steal all the nuclear bombs they need and plant them all over Paris in cool places like the Arc de Triomphe, the Louvre, and the Eiffel tower. Then they go out in the streets and set them off one at a time, and the next hour of the film is just shots of them holding hands and running away from the massive nuclear explosions in the background of great world historical monuments.

Then, when they're done, Nicole Kidman goes back to Tom Cruise.

But something is still nagging at the Peacemaker so he goes to a gay bar and meets the Quietmaker, played by Matthew McGonahee or whoever, and they team up and whenever anybody says, "Hey, can somebody get a little fucking peace and quiet around here," George Clooney and Matthew McGonahee or whoever show up and start fucking, and whoever was disturbing the peace and quiet immediately shuts the fuck up and gets the fuck outta town.

The number 2 film was "Soul Food" which is about somebody who likes "Soul Food," or something, and the number 3 film, "In and Out," is a film about somebody who's always in and out. If you know what I mean. The Number 4 film, "The Edge" is a film about someone who's on the Edge of being number 5. And the number 5 film, "The Game," is about somebody who thinks it's all just a big game, so, like, why fucking bother?

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F