Monday, September 30, 1996
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IBM Calls It Quits,
"Just Plain Bored"

Armonk, NJ - (Sept. 30) - Claiming he's "just plain bored with all this lame computer bullshit," IBM CEO Lou Gerstner, today, announced he would shut down the world's best-known computer company at the end of next month.

In his brief statement to reporters, Gerstner also announced that, rather than sell off the assets of the company, he'd just burn everything in a huge bonfire outside the Armonk, New Jersey headquarters. He then ended his remarks by inviting all soon-to-be former IBM employees to "come on down and 'get involved.'"

Ironically, Gerstner's move came as no surprise to Wall Street analysts who, themselves, earlier today, had announced that, they too, were bored utterly shitless by all this lame financial and Wall Street bullshit and just wanted to get the fuck out and do something real.

Which they did immediately after being interviewed for this article -- which now ends here for not only that reason, but also for the added reason that I, too, am bored utterly shitless by all this lame journalism bullshit -- and just want to call it quits as soon as I file this story. Just want to call it quits and go do something in the real world where everyone else has also grown bored shitless with whatever it was they were doing, and called it quits to go try to do some real or useful thing that, unfortunately, doesn't exist.

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