Tuesday, September 30, 1997
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Explore Her For Point, "Oh"

Redmond, WA - (Sept 30) - Microsoft Corp of Redmond Washington, the company that pioneered the concept of making really really shitty market-dominating software to force hapless end users into buying endless fucking upgrades, today, released the latest fucking upgrade of its Internet Explorer browser, Internet Explorer 4.0.

Internet Explorer 4.0 is a software program which, apparently, allows software users to explore the so-called internet, which is, apparently, a network of linked-up, tired, sick computers, all yearning to be free, but gracefully accepting being not so.

Internet Explorer 4.0 is the successor to Internet Explorer 3.0 which was the successor to Internet Explorer 2.0.

"Microsoft is fully committed to the open standard of the decimal numbering system," said Microsoft chairman, Steve Jobs.

Industry pundits were quick to praise Microsoft for increasing the product release number by 1 with each new upgrade.

"By calling the successor to Internet Explorer 3.0, Internet Explorer 4.0," said an industry spokesperson who didn't bother leaving his or her name, "Microsoft has once again shown its commitment to the end user who can count to 10, and who really appreciates it when the sanctity of such sequences as 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10, are preserved.

Though there are many exciting new features in Internet Explorer 4.0, probably the most exciting is that, once you have it, you'll be totally ready to upgrade to Internet Explorer 4.01, which will, in turn, put you in the vanguard of people ready to upgrade to Internet Explorer 4.02, and, eventually maybe even Internet Explorer 4.1. Who knows?

Another feature which has been maintained from past versions, but significantly improved in 4.0, is the program's ability to automatically log on in the middle of the night, while you sleep, and efficiently transmit all salacious and sordid personal data from your hard drive direct to Redmond, where, instead of being handed over to the FBI, it'll be benignly used to guide Microsoft in designing ever better new generations of software which are more precisely tuned to the real needs and lusts and emotional sicknesses of real end users.

Another exciting new feature of Internet Explorer 4.0 is the so-called "Acid Desktop," which simulates, without drugs, the so-called "psychedelic" experience, and has been shown, in tests, to actually reduce, by almost 50%, monthly recreational drug bills in laboratory rats.

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