Wednesday, September 30, 1998
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Success Successfully Simulated

Researchers at MIT, the Massachusetts Institute of Testosterology, announced today, at a press conference held on the steps of MIT's main building on so-called "Mass" Ave, that they had finally succeeded in simulating success itself.

"Our success at simulating success itself," said Professor Garth Register Jr., leader of the multi-disciplinary research team, "will give us, first and foremost, the ability to no longer have to try to actually achieve success at anything else, ever again, thus enabling us to, like, just kick the fuck back and sit around the lab all day accidentally knocking over beakers of hydrochloric acid on each other, in between saying, 'you know, like why fucking bother' all the time, to everything, including even human nature herself."

"And if anybody tries to get in our way," interjected the team's co-leader, Hollis Mosher III, "we just whip out this little hand-held device we've devised," and he whipped out the little hand-held device they'd devised, hit a few keys on the keypad, and pointed it at the assembled journalists.

"I have just simulated success all over you, ya buncha losers," he said, and as he said this, they all miraculously started crawling up the steps to kiss his and the other researchers' feet, and the ground they had walked on to get from the door of the main building to the podium where the press conference was held.

Once reporters had their fill, MIT president, Rebecca Kramer, announced that, as an accidental by-product, the research had also discovered that human personality is simply a logical outgrowth of the same two forces that created the universe: conditionality.

"This shows us," said Kramer, "that all behavior can be changed simply by going back to the creation of the universe and, like, simply starting all over again and just NOT DOING SUCH A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT JOB, THIS TIME!"

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