Wednesday, October 1, 1997
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Paul Wins First Annual "Rodney"

Paris, FR - (Oct 1) - According to Dr. Kirk Vomit Jr. of the Take a Leak of Absence Foundation, "'Blood' doesn't rhyme with 'fun' anymore."

Dr. Vomit, himself just returned from taking a leak of absence in order to celebrate making both the Forbes List of the top 120 richest people on earth, and the FBI Sting List of the top 120 child pornographers on the Internet, spoke to reporters after being called in to do yet another analysis on the blood of Princess Di death car chauffeur, Henri Paul.

"After careful re-re-re-evaluation of his blood alcohol levels at the moment of death," said Dr. Vomit, "I have determined that Henri Paul should be this year's recipient of the 1997 Rodney King, Drunk Driver Of The Year Award."

The award, which is a long rolled-up strip of crumpled video tape cast in bronze and a 6-pack, will be awarded, as always, by Rodney King himself, and Henri Paul's brother or sister or whatever, Ru, will accept the award for his or her or whatever's deceased brother.

In a pre-release copy of his or her or whatever's acceptance speech, she or he or whatever lists the many attributes of his or her or whatever's brother or of a telepathic contact he or she or whatever once had:

He was a confident and effective spokesman for confusion and despair.

Maybe he's a mean-spirited bastard, but he was always good for a laugh.

He thought it was worth paying taxes just to be able to watch these fucking pols scramble to come up with family-friendly euphemisms for how they're just pissing it all away on their fucking cronies and blowjobs.

He knew that, these days, things are only interesting insofar as they are incredibly stupid.

His performance was way over the bottom.

He believed in the cold logic of sex: Boy Meets Cop. Boy Shoots Cop. Boy Loses Cop.

He was charming in a sickening way.

He was remarkably consistent, and regardless of what they arrested him for, always plead, "Insanity or Self-defense -- whichever."

His favorite story was the one about the Emperor's New Closet.

His stupid jokes one month, had a strange way of becoming reality, the next month.

Well, once he did plead neither insanity nor self-defense, but rather, he plead "Insanity Self-Defense" -- and won, cause the jury knew if he'd been sane, he would've just let them kill him.

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