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Monday, Oct 4, 1999

Buchanan Unveils Progressive Poverty Plan
Reform Party President Pat Buchanan both unveiled and immediately implemented his progressive plan, today, to lift ALL Americans completely out of poverty, forever.

"If you buncha poverty-stricken losers out there don't just get your damn asses the fuck out of poverty, right now!!" he told all poor Americans out there on national primetime TV, "I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass!!"

He then thanked the American people and went back to playing with his SS action figures.

Gore to "Get All Weird"; Changes Name to Weird Al
Even though the election was over months ago and Pat Buchanan won in a landslide, Al Gore is still running and has come up with a whole new campaign strategy.

"Somehow, I've just suddenly gone all weird," Gore told reporters, as he blew little saliva bubbles off his tongue, into the air, in between words, as he spoke. "Call me Weird Al. I'm just weeeeeird. Whoooa! What's that?! Hey! Whooooooa! I'm all weird. So vote for me, and I promise to make America go all weird too."

Giuliani Calls For End To All Thought
Mayor Rudy Giuliani has publicly called for an end to all thought. "Thought just gets in the way of me doing what I know is right," he told the American people on national television yesterday.

Appearing on a string of television shows, Giuliani also totally denied that he was making a big deal out of this elephant dung thing just so he could appear on a string of television shows.

Saying, "Dung: Who gives a shit?" Giuliani told Cokie Roberts, or whoever, "Dung: Who gives a shit?"

He also told Sam Donalson that, "Paramount Pictures is a unit of Viacom Inc. (NYSE:VIA) Warner Bros. is a unit of Time Warner Inc. (NYSE:TWX) Columbia Pictures is a unit of Sony Corp. (NYSE:SNE) Hollywood Pictures is a unit of Walt Disney Co. Universal Pictures is a unit of Seagram Co. Ltd. DreamWorks SKG is privately held. Twentieth Century Fox is a unit of Fox Entertainment Group Inc. (NYSE:FOX) The North American box office market consists of the United States and Canada."

Various animal groups picketed the studios where Giuliani appeared, protesting all the air time elephant dung was getting, and demanding equal air time for the dung of their own species.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text 
below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry 
Diller gets it (AMZN) announced Monday it will become one of the first e-commerce companies to admit that e-commerce just fucking, you know, isn't ever really gonna be as hot as everybody still pretends to think it's gonna be, and will immediately get the fuck out of the whole e-commerce thing and get into something useful like predicting earthquakes, tidal waves, nuclear accidents, and asteroids colliding with earth.

Next major California quake now scheduled for Oct 15

MMM-DD-YYYY [date deleted on 10/19/99 to be auctioned off on eBay ] California quake aftershock scheduled to cause more damage than original quake

Commodore-64 turns out to be all the computer anybody ever needed

Microsoft considers changing 6 pixels in MS logo

Elephants consider changing 6 guanines in gene for elephant dung

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC