Tuesday, October 7, 1997
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Wash, DC - (Oct 7) - Former Presidential aide, trash-talkin' Harold Ickes, who was unceremoniously dumped from the White House staff late last spring for being just a bit too much of an asshole sometimes, went before big dumb ole good ole boy Joe Don Baker's Redneck Motherfucker Senate Finance Reform Committee or whatever, today, to answer questions related to whatever the fuck the subject matter of big dumb ole good ole boy Joe Don Baker's Redneck Motherfucker Senate Finance Reform Committee or whatever, is.

Before Ickes was called to testify, however, various Senators, tragically saddled with a vapid, bankrupt politics and suddenly aware that no one in the country really gives a good flying fuck about any of them anymore, took what they considered to be their one last shot at real TV exposure, to rant and grandstand up the wazoo and call for no-brainer headline-grabbing things like impeaching the Attorney-General, impeaching Seinfeld, and an all out nuclear strike on the Toronto Film Festival.

But by the end of the day, the windbags had finally run out of wind, and run out of people to call for the impeachment of, and, with 10 minutes remaining before "cocktail hour," Ickes was called to the stand.

Here is the unadulterated transcript of his testimony:

Senator Big Ole Good Ole Boy Joe Don Baker: Now, Mr. Ickes, did you serve as an aide to President What's His Name during the 1996 presidential campaign?

Harold Ickes: Uhhh, Senator, fuck yourself and the horse you rode in on, ya big dumb ole fuckin redneck sack a' shit.

Baker: And is it not true, Mr. Ickes, that on several occasions you attended coffees at the White House, which were also attended by the President, ah, What's His Name?

Ickes: Yah know, Senator Shitpile, there's this big ole flagpole out in front of the Capitol Building, you can shove up your, you know, your ass. If yah know what I mean, Senator.

Baker: And is it not true, Mr. Ickes, that the President, yah know, that guy who's always standing next to that Buddhist nun-robbing Gore guy, is it not true that the President personally orchestrated millions and millions of illegal campaign contribution scams, designed to rob and cheat and steal and butt-fuck the American people?

Ickes: Absolutely, positively, 110% true, Senator, to quote OJ.

Baker: Now on this video tape (runs video tape where President What's His Name is shown to be saying, "Glad to see you," to some guy in a suit) -- now on this videotape, is it not true that President What's His Name is seen to be saying "Nice to see you" to some guy in a suit?

Ickes: Yes Senator. It is absolutely true that in that video tape, President What's His Name can clearly be seen to be saying "Nice to see you" to some guy in a suit.

Baker: And who is that guy in a suit, Mr. Ickes?

Ickes: Senator Dickbrain, that guy in a suit is just some slimeball, not dissimilar from yourself, Senator Dickwad.

Baker: And what does the phrase, "nice to see you," mean in Washington, Mr. Ickes?

Ickes: Senator, in Washington, where I've lived all my life, the phrase, "nice to see you" usually means "Thanks for giving me $300,000 so I can stay in power and keep getting all the fucking ass I want, ya slimy capitalist shitbag."

Baker: Now, Mr. Ickes, what can you tell us about those video tapes of rich and powerful people being smiled at by the President for six figures in some stuffy room with a coffee machine?

Ickes: Actually, Senator, those tapes are part of a documentary, and reveal quite movingly, how truly sad and how truly pathetic it is to be a rich, powerful, capitalist shitbag.

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