Global Ponzi, aka the world capitalist oligopoly's leetle joke, moved several umbrella steps closer to its logical endgame -- world economic collapse -- today, as CNN revealed that world people everywhere are all, suddenly, in unison, demanding their fucking soul back -- you know, the one they "lent" to Capitalism in exchange for, like, food 'an stuff.

But, according to the Fox News Network, it appears that -- whoops -- the bank where the souls are kept is, like, all EMPTY. Sorry -- yuh buncha losers!

"Apparently," said a spokesman for the world capitalist oligopoly, "we sold all those old souls long ago for beer and Twinkie money, and to buy the silence of witnesses who saw us selling those souls on a monumental scale to buy monumental quantities of beer and Twinkies."

Analysts claim the current world economic collapse is not really the fault of lying scumbag capitalist world Ponzi schemers but, rather, a reflection of larger cosmic forces, such as the one reported just yesterday where recent astronomical observations indicate that the universe is actually now rapidly contracting -- contrary to recent theoretical claims of the infinite opposite.

Or else it's all World Lesbianism's fault.

Either way, the American people are advised, by CNN, to keep their phenobarbital, vodka, and plastic bag kits on hand at all times.

"This will be the first generation of man," said Garth Register Jr, CEO of World Coroner Inc., "to all have their death certificates read the same. 'Cause of Death: collapse of the universe.'"

Internet Inventor Bought By Cleanser Company

Wired Digital, inventor of not only the internet, but also the Wired Digital Rectal Exam Kit, was purchased today by Lycos, the detergent maker and inventor of the stuff you use to clean soap scum off bathroom tiles, if, in fact, you even bother to clean, you know, the scum, off your, you know, "tiles."

"This is a win-win situation (yawn)," said Lycos CEO Rebecca Kramer. "This purchase pretty much casts in stone our status as the undisputed #1 internet portal when it comes to the world's bathroom -- which, as everyone is starting to learn, is not such a bad place to be, as it is, of course, the place where the last vestige of the human soul resides and, therefore, the place where most purchasing decisions originate."