Wednesday, October 8.5, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

AOL Buys Cracker Jacks

Wash, DC - (Oct 8.5) - Senators at today's Senate UnAmerican Campaign Finance Reform Activities Committee, pretended to try to resume the attempt to further question former White House aide, Harold Ickes, when, in reality, they kinda hadn't even begun to question him yesterday cause they were all just too fuckin' busy being big dumb grandstanding motherfucking cracker assholes. But, like, what else is new?

Committee Chairman Senator Redneck Good ole boy Joe "Don" Baker, almost started to ask Ickes a question but just as he got his mouth open and the tongue began to wag, some ancient neural structure or something way back in the brain or wherever, overruled the pending utterance, and replaced it with a stream of bitches and moans -- quickly matched in intensity by the bitches and moans of the other committee members.

Here is the complete transcript of today's Senate hearings:

Ickes: I'm sorry, Senator, I don't have a 3rd page.

Senator Disconcerti: Now, Mr. Ickes, is it true you publish a magazine called "Short Attention Span Magazine?"

Ickes: What subscription? What Last Issue? Sorry, you'll have to re-subscribe all over again.

Senator Spectrum: Mr. Ickes, is it true that, now that they've bought Cracker Jacks, Frito-Lay's new ad slogan will be modeled after the "Got Milk?" campaign of the milk industry, and, if so, what will it be?

Ickes: Senator, yes it will, and, to the best of my recollection, the new Frito-Lay ad slogan modeled after the "Got Milk?" ad will be "Get Layd!"

Senator Glenn or Randa: So's your mother, Senator.

Ickes: I'm sorry Senator Spectrum, I have no recollection of being present at the meeting where that was discussed, though I may have been, but I sincerely doubt it, if you know what I fucking mean, Senator.

Senator Good Ole Boy: So's YOUR mother, Senator.

Ickes: Senator, I was in Air Force One at the time. But I do know that Ted Turner's so pissed at the Braves choking yesterday that he fired Chipper Jones, and Jane Fonda'll be starting at 3rd tonight, with Larry King in center and Wolf Blitzer at short.

Senator Speaker: So's the fucking NRA, Senator.

Senator Nickels&Dimes: So's the fucking labor unions, Senator.

Senator Unleavened: So's the fucking Christian Coalition, Senator Asshole.

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