The Washington
Friday, Oct 8, 1999

  Ed Smith Buys Ed Jones For a Couplea Toyotas

Ed Smith of Chula Vista, California agreed to buy his next door neighbor, privately held Ed Jones, today, for 2 '92 Toyota Corollas in good condition, as Smith continues his push into the "Ed" sector of the high-growth market for people with almost any name at all.

Chula Vista-based Ed Jones already owns El Cajon-based cousins Ed Johnson and Ed Jackson, having just purchased them last July for a '78 Honda Civic in fair condition, and a '52 Dodge Power Wagon, good for parts. The price covered their rent for a month and further investments in technology.

Booming demand for people of almost any name, needed to falsely run up internet hit counts, serve in rigged focus groups, participate in bogus demographic surveys and pretend to even exist at all for the 2000 census, has sparked a flurry of acquisitions of people by their friends, neighbors, relatives, and perfectly random strangers.

Ed Smith has spent more than $7 billion since September buying up people named Ed who have previously bought up other people named Ed, and has vowed to buy up every damn Ed in the world, regardless of what kind of piece of shit car they drive.

"Ed Jones will be a very nice addition to Ed Smith's portfolio, because Ed Johnson and Ed Jackson of El Cajon, had, between them, already bought up every damn Ed in Oxnard for a couplea bags of 20-1-1 fertilizer and a couplea gallon jugs of kerosene," said Jerry Lee Gartner, an analyst with Kidder, Nobody.

Ed Jones' operations will also meld well with those of Eddie Haskell, the California-based maker of lies about how everything is just what it's supposed to be, regardless of whether it really is or not, who Ed Jones agreed to buy in March for a busted VCR and an as-is toaster-oven, Nobody's Gartner said.

The need for human beings to buy each other up in ever larger numbers has been driven by the need to keep pace with corporate oligopolies likewise buying each other up, first."

"By combining ourselves into a single person," said Smith, "we not only achieve economies of scale, but we are also greatly simplifying and consolidating the efforts of all our many fine corporate oligopolies out there that serve us so well. So now, instead of sending out 100,000 bills for 100,000 different $20-dollar phone lines to 100,000 different guys named Ed, they only have to send out 1 bill, for 1 $20-dollar phone line for 100,000 guys who through successive mergers and acquisitions, have become a single unified Ed."


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