Wednesday, October 9, 1996
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Jim Lehrer Will 'Go Lesbian'
To Boost Sagging News Hour Ratings

New York - (Oct. 9) - Taking a cue from commercial broadcasting, PBS will come out of the closet in 1997, in an attempt to boost the poor ratings of its flagship news show, The News Hour.

Specifically, Jim Lehrer, host of The News Hour and moderator for the '96 Presidential debates, will follow the trail blazed by Ellen DeGeneres and, in January '97, will probably admit that he's a lesbian.

To make sure the normally somnolent News Hour audience is fully aware of what's going on, Lehrer will wear a large sign around his neck saying, "I AM a lesbian."

Other News Hour staff and contributors have also been encouraged to find a non-mainstream sexual orientation to come out of the closet as.

In an interview, Lehrer was quick to deny that his lesbianism would have any effect on the choice of topics covered on The News Hour. "We'll still have the exact same mix of topics, and just because we have Ru Paul replacing Paul Solmon as business correspondent, doesn't mean the actual content will change any."

Many other shows will be watching the Lehrer and DeGeneres experiments closely. If they're successful, TV personalities from David Letterman to Al Roker have expressed serious interest in coming out as lesbians.

Meanwhile, a source close to the "Church of Lesbianism" has stated that many current lesbians "are seriously thinking about switching to, like, heterosexuality or something equally lame," just because they don't like where the neighborhood's going.

Rumors also persist that the education-oriented The Learning Channel (TLC) will beat even Ellen DeGeneres to the punch, and become The Lesbian Channel (TLC), in mid-October.

"Since we won't need to change our logo or stationery," said TLC president, Kirk Vomit Jr., "The switch is a no-brainer."

And looking ahead, neither Ted Turner, Rupert Murdoch, nor Bill Gates were willing to deny that, should the 24-hour news channel race get too, uhhhh, tight, they too would seriously consider becoming, uhhhh, lesbians.


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F