Thursday, October 9, 1997
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Gates, McNealy Disagree On How Big a Piece Of Shit Java Is

Wash, DC - (Oct 9) - Scott McNealy, CEO of Sun Microbrainstems, responding to a statement by Bill Gates, yesterday, that "Java is an unadulterated piece of shit," stated, today, that Java is not really that unadulterated a piece of shit, and, to the best of his recollection, may not even be unadulterated at all.

Meanwhile, the stock market continued to crash, today, on news that Fed Chairman, Allen Greenspan had eaten dry Frosty-O's for breakfast, this morning, instead of his usual Fruit Loops and a Bloody Mary.

Meanwhile, at Janet Reno's weekly news briefing, this morning, in between comments of how she "wouldn't comment on that," the Attorney-General admitted that, according to a recent study in the American Journal of Motivation Sickness, "The soul is, at heart, just another fucking market."

"And every spoken word is just another standalone ad," she said.

When asked if she thought the killer app should get the chair, she said "I'm sorry I can't comment on that because, apparently, the definitions of all the words you're using are, at best, dynamic lists of fetishes, changing every week, so, by law, I'm not allowed to answer till I feel your fetishes have aligned more or less with what I might have had in mind as meaning in answer to your questions when you first asked them in the first place, whether or not their meaning had changed or not by the time I answered. If you know what I mean."

The A-G stated that, when it came to the best of her recollection, "I have fingered the statute and recused myself of all parameters."

"But what if," asked a reporter, "Someone has manipulated those parameters to trigger an actual conflict of interests such that the covered person IS, in fact, the special prosecutor -- and vice versa? Then what?"

"I would not comment except to say that we are looking at the situation and making every effort to see that it will not happen again. I do think, however, that once we, as a species, have truly learned to separate emotion from circumstance, then all these current issues will become utterly moot anyway, so it could almost easily be argued that, like, Why even fucking bother?"

Meanwhile, Italian author, Mario Foo, won the Nobel Prize For Dummy Variable Names And/Or Literature, today. He is recognized as the originator of the school of philosophy which believes that "memorabilia precedes essence," and to prove it, all he ever talks about is his fucking collection of CIA-supplied disguises, scrambler telephones, night-vision gunsights, infra-red signalers, speedboats and weapons for off-shore ops.

It is believed that Foo might have won the Nobel Prize For Dummy Variable Names And/Or Literature, years earlier, had he been able to write the partial differential equations for another fundamental tenet of his philosophy, which teaches that the best preparation for today is to just live fully, tomorrow, or the day after.

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